Quick Update. More to Come.

Hey All! In case you missed it, here is a recent interview I did for the570.com Thank you to Alicia Grega for taking the time and interest.

http://the570.com/index.php/2012/10/upclose-personal-meet-bunny-bedford/


Also, if you've been couped up in your house all week and are looking for some Halloween fun, make sure to get your tickets for BOOlesque on Saturday, November 3rd!

I'll be writing more tonight about Hurricane Sandy, BOOlesque and my little boy's new video game obsession later tonight so please check back! I hope you and your loved ones are safe and secure and getting back to normal life after Sandy. Thanks, Bunny

I'm Having "One of those Days"

Today I'm sharing a rant--against my better judgement. That's right, I'm "sharing it", posting it for comment. It's too big to condense the feeling into a tweet--but I'll make sure you get the link! What's the point of experiencing an emotion if it can't blasted across social media networks and yet, that is exactly what I am indulging in. Why? Because I can. Because I don't have anywhere else to go with it. Maybe we'll share a cathartic experience or maybe it will just be another blip in my online presence. Whatever.

This morning I unzipped my son's little suitcase from his weekend trip to Grammy and Pappy's house and got punched in the face by the scent of Yankee candles and Snuggle fabric softener. His crisp white freshly laundered socks folded neatly one inside the other staring up at me saying--this is how the good moms do it. This is what devotion looks like. Seriously, if I had the finger dexterity and upper body strength to rip fucking socks like sheets of paper I would have made a room full of confetti. My mother in law's house always smells like that--clean laundry and Yankee candles. You're there an hour and you leave smelling like Herbal Essence shampoo and apple pie. I don't know how she does it. Usually I find the scent familiar and comforting but today it smells like judgement. My house never fucking smells like that--never. My house smells like dirty dishes, Resolve carpet cleaner and dog. It's not her fault she keeps a nice smelling home and I love her and she loves me. It's not her fault. She didn't do anything, except some kind of secret "good mom" origami sock folding shit I can't figure out. I'm never going to ask about the sock folding ever cause that would be some kind of admission of defeat. Plus it's not her fault, I have to keep telling myself that today. Today is a "me thing". I'm going through a "me thing".

I don't know what I am doing. I don't know what I am supposed to be doing. I am 32 and I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. There are so many wonderful things I have to be thankful for but today it is not enough and even that feeling is making me want to break shit! Why can't I just be grateful for what I have? Because feeling grateful and feeling fulfilled are two different things, I suppose. I am grateful--yes, I know it is all relative and blah, blah blah. Even if my house smelled like a French perfume factory next to an Italian bakery and I could folding fucking socks into swans I would still have a deep feeling of being lost.

There's a lot to be said for being a woman who works in the home, raises her kids and makes her family her career. Seriously, yes, I get it--it's like, my full time thing. I don't know if I am good at it or not and I don't think I will ever really allow myself to own being good at it. It gets difficult ending everyday not having finished all the stuff I wanted to get done and guess what--it gets boring. Yeah, I said it, it gets fucking boring. I need a hobbie, right? An outlet? I chose burlesque.

Again, there are a lot of things I adore, respect and am grateful for when it comes to being a burlesque performer. It's something I want to continue to do in some way. Although I am beginning to wonder if it isn't all a bit of fluff. Everyone wants to be respected, paid as a professional artist and for their contributions to be taken seriously and I agree. It takes a lot of hard work and dedication for very little money in return. With the exception of a small legion of fans and insiders, I don't think the audience is there to take anything they are seeing seriously and really aren't going to do any deep level thinking about the emotional or cultural impact of burlesque after they leave the show. They are there to have a good time, see sparkly costumes and body parts. Audiences want to be entertained, see something clever and unexpected and go home. No one is going to pay top dollar for that. No one is going study your body of work for years to come and debate the meaning of your acts and research your influences unless they want to do burlesque themselves. And because our society bases value--whether it be on a personal, spiritual or artistic level--on how much they are willing to pay for something or how much something costs, it's always going to be about money. So if it's not going to make you money it should at least make you feel fulfilled, right? I'm just not feeling it right now. I want to move forward with the things I am working on but honestly, how many sparkly costumes can one make and how many clever three minute songs are there? There are so many hard working, beautiful, creative burlesque performers out there in the world. I don't know that I have anything to add to the lexicon.

 I am looking for fulfillment on a different artist level. I know that sounds so....pretentious maybe? It's not having a clean house or smelling like Yankee candles, it's not being an all-star mom, I don't need a little part time job or a "girls night" or more money or more rhinestones. I feel guilty saying that because I think it is a mind set that most women fall victim to. I love what I have. I love my son, I would be truly lost without my family but those things cannot be the whole of what I have and who I am. As women, we are conditioned to believe those things. Men have a whole other set of supposed benchmarks. Those of us who are subject to the inner grinding of needing more, I think it is fair to say, also feel a lot of guilt about it, resentment towards people we think are living it and a lot of self doubt over if we will be able to achieve it. For me this adds up to a level of frustration that has brought me to tears. Seriously, I'm just being honest. I need to find "the thing". Whatever that is for myself and whatever manifestation it takes.

I wish I could say that it's an exciting prospect, but true to my personality I feel frustrated and unsure which is just amping up the feelings. I need to get something out of me. I don't know what it is. I know what it isn't. Talking about it in a public forum is making me feel very self-conscious and silly.  It feeds into the habit of making every thought or emotion a social media event which has completely permeated  our daily lives. Maybe there is no going back from it, maybe this is the new course of human interaction . I just needed to get it off my chest so I don't try to rip up my kid's socks. I feel better now. 

Heiny-Koos: Inspirations on Ass Tassels

I was inspired to write a haiku about my ass tassels and came up with these; although, they really aren't haiku poems in the strictest sense cause they don't use imagery from nature and the seasons and lots of other important literary things and such. So literature lovers will have to pardon me bastardizing the form a little. Rather than haikus I'm going to call these....heiny-koos. Enjoy.

Three Heiny-Koos

Whirling golden threads

slicing the stale beer vapors

turbines of the ass.

Propellers cycle

straining to reach altitude

burdened by two hams.

Neon green eyes shed

fringe tears streaming down wide cheeks

cracked in the middle.

You Win Some, You Poop Some..or maybe you hold it

Ok, ok, ok.......so I haven't time to update this in months, bad Bunny. I'm going to do a quick recap of where I have been and what I've been doing in this post. Next I'm going to write a haiku about my ass tassels; then I'll move on to what I am looking forward to next. Just so we get square with eachother, mmmkay? Here come bullet points!

• Silk Tease! Fortunately, I've been busy performing at a monthly burlesque show at the Allentown Brew Works Silk Lounge created and produced by Jacqueline Hyde called....Silk Tease. The audiences are wonderful, the stage time is great training time, the other performers---including ladies from Dragontown Burlesque and other regional artists---have been gracious and fun to work with. I like bar shows.

• I have an internet radio show!!! Well, maybe not a show, but a segment on WKAD Radio's Cerebral Circus with Kenny Jay. The Cerebral Circus is a comedy/current events/music show that airs twice a week on the station and I come on sometimes and do a segment called The Bedford Files which is me talking about my burlesque adventures and other nonsense like almost getting sprayed by a skunk and skinny dipping in the Sea of Galilee in a sorrowful attempt at humor. Basically it's me sitting on the phone in the basement laughing with my friends, but it is kind of awesome.

• I won First Runner Up at the very first PA Burlesque Festival in Philly! Truly badass. I learned so much from meeting and watching the other performers, got to experience Philly on like, the hottest weekend EVER and came away with some prize money. Oh, and I got to watch Bam Margera act like a dick in a restaurant. Good times!

• My four year old son is regressing on the potty! Fueled by OCD and scarred by a short bout of constipation, my four year old, who has always been successful on the toilet, has now decided he would like to hold his poop indefinitely rather than suffer through the humiliation of taking a dump. Try as I may to explain to my little poindexter the finer points of the digestive and waste elimination system, the fact that all living things produce waste AND that he cannot shit himself at soccer practice--he just can't seem to get around the blockage (mental blockage that is). Don't offer me a single suggestion because I can guarantee I have tried it with little to moderate success. I do sympathize with him and we are starting to get back on track a little but this has turned my house and our daily activities upside down. I think, though, that I can honestly add crisis management and hostage negotiation to the "other skills" section on my resume. 

• I performed at the New York Burlesque Festival Star Search Competition at Asbury Lanes! Holy crap--talk about awesome! Twelve performers, including myself, each competed to win two available performance slots at this years New York Burlesque Festival. The level of talent was amazing, it was a stand alone good show other than the excitement of competition. I got to meet and share the stage with burlesque royalty Angie Pontani, World Famous Bob and Tigger! In addition, it was my mom's first opportunity to see me perform burlesque as she lives right in the area in New Jersey. No I did not win. But I got to have a chili cheese hot dog and a vanilla ice cream soda from the Circus Drive In and any day that happens is a good day. I may have had some onion rings too.....

See guys? Busy! Good busy. Except for the pooping thing. If you would like to find out more or see more of all the above goodness, except for the OCD toilet regression cause that would be gross and weird, there are links to all the stuff and people on my website!

Thanks for reading. I'm going to try to be more attentive to sharing stuff here for those who are interested or at least find me by accident when they type full frontal and mom in the keyword search on Google. 

Hand Sanitizer Mom

I owe a big apology for not writing here more regularly. To myself and to those who may happen upon this blog and are trying to figure out what the hell it's all about! So many ponderous, exciting and stressful stuff is swirling around and unfortunately the opportunity to sit and write is less frequent than I often hope. I guess it is a testament to being busy. Having said that, I thought I'd share something today.

My son turned four on Friday. The weekend clicked and clacked along--his first big boy bike with training wheels, family party, dinosaur cake, balloons, amazing sugar high and the inevitable crash into a cheeto-fingered, sweaty heap of sobbing. By Sunday night the whole house was overtaken by a cake and candles hangover, not ready at all to face Monday.

So this afternoon we took some time to get out in the fresh air and enjoy the playground. Simple. As usual the park was bustling with kids and the chatter of well-put-together stay at home moms in short sleeves and khaki capri pants and fresh pedicures. Jockeying their three-wheeled strollers around the playground equipment adorned with hand sanitizer and juice box hood ornaments, offering well-balanced snacks from hermetically sealed plastic containers to their jovial scamperers while making easygoing conversation with eachother. I never bring hand sanitizer anywhere. I just don't think of it, in fact, I'm not sure I even own a little squeeze bottle of hand sanitizer. I just figure that unless he's playing in dog shit or licking the port-a-potty he shouldn't contract an infectious diseases before we can get home and wash his hands. My mother never had a two liter bottle of hand sanitizer with her, I don't think they even made it in the 80's.

Today, however, is the day I so wished I was hand sanitizer mom. Instead of bolting for the swings my boy shuffled his feet around the park benches deeply focused on the little bits of this and that he could kick up out of the dirt. I thought he had reached down to pick up a stray penny or something only to find a flattened cigarette butt poking out between his fingers! That's very dirty! Don't touch that! I got the dead pan face. He turned and began bobbing up and down filling his fists with cigarette butts, straw wrappers, bottle caps--I said don't touch that! Put that stuff in the garbage can and go play! This time I got the squint-eyed scowl. I can't play until the Earth is clean. We have to take care of the Earth.


Now had I anticipated this moment of environmental concern I would have come prepared with gloves and such, but no, no I am ready to chase my four year old around the monkey bars. I'm proud, though, and want to be encouraging for the next five minutes or so and then I really want him to stop touching trash. But no. For the next twenty-five minutes my four year old insists on cleaning up litter from around and underneath the park benches. I mean everything--cigarette butts, used tissues, soda cans, broken pencils, you name it. I'm trying to coax him into finishing up in a soft voice firstly because it's totally grossing me out and secondly because I don't want the other moms to see me letting my son touch cigarette buts or worse--think I am making him clean up cigarette butts as some kind of weird pre-play chore. He'll hear nothing of it. We have to take care of the Earth. 


Ok. Let him clean up the Earth (next time be hand sanitizer mom for once goddamnit! Hand sanitizer mom is ready for this kind of situation). Pretty soon he has me assisting in the clean up process. We're almost finished cleaning about a 10 foot length and we happen upon a large wad of chewed chum. He immediately goes for it. NO! You cannot pick that up. No. That has germs, it's sticky, your fingers will get all yucky, absolutely not. He stares me straight in the face and says, Get a stick. A low under-the-breath argument ensues, negotiations end in me putting gum on a stick if he promises that this will be the last piece of trash we are going to pick up and that then he will go play like a normal child.

By now the noontime sun is pretty strong and I am getting hot from trash collection and embarrassment. I decide to take off my sweatshirt only to remember that I am wearing a tank top underneath with no bra. Come to think of it, I forgot to get changed after my morning chores. Come to think of it, these may be the same clothes I had on yesterday...........that I slept in...........and then threw a sweatshirt over to take my darling son to the park. My four year old son who now has me reduced to scraping oozing chewed gum off the pavement in a sweatshirt and no bra in the name of cleaning up the Earth.

Hand sanitizer mom would NEVER  let this happen to her.

My mother is stalking me on the world wide web

Mom, I can see your keyword search to find me lol! I love you.

Hey, while you are here, check out this recent article in the Express Times!

http://www.lehighvalleylive.com/entertainment-general/index.ssf/2012/02/burlesque_is_back.html

The High Priestess of Self Talk

The Most High Voodoo Priestess of Self Talk is the one you need to watch for.

Not me or her across the room.

In your silent dragging across the kitchen floor, tea kettle whistling

She stands in silence beside you.

Her soft swirling whispers tugging at your ear,

while child tugging at your sleeve,

you are yet unaware of her consuming power.

A conjurer of heartache, pain and fear

she holds a mirror up to the face of others

--even to the face of God.

So wherever you look to condemn

you are seeing your own face.

The Most High Voodoo Priestess of Self Talk dances across a fire

the flames fanned by the same hands you fold in prayer

and wash away the dirt from your feet.

The singed edges of her skirt

will soon become your shroud

and maybe mine as well.

For she hides a pinch of salt and glowing ember between the ruffles of each heart.

A little 2011, but really 2012

Hi. It's 2012. I could have done a big long year in review thing and gone paragraph by poorly constructed paragraph through each triumph, tribulation and hang nail of 2011 but I will spare you. Here is what I have for you instead:

2012 Goals
1. Continue to listen, learn and grow through the world of burlesque--wherever it chooses to take me.
2. Be a good mom and blah, blah, blah and stop cursing at the dog in front of my kid and be a good example and make the kid brush his teeth. Teach him to read, maybe...
3. Serious writing project using proper punctuation and grammar, maybe...
4. Make some fine art projects. Large in size.

Ok that's out of the way. Now on to something vastly more interesting and important. When I started this "project" at the end of last fall I was pretty much out there on my own. Aside from my theater training the best burlesque-specific education I could give myself was gleaned through hours sitting in front of YouTube, hours of reading and hours of practice in my bedroom, alone. And it was a lonely endeavor. I didn't have a support system, a mentor, a girlfriend to laugh along with me and give me a pep talk when I was feeling insecure. Me and my video camera. Hours of recording, reviewing, rethinking---all for a shot at three minutes on the stage.

While I felt accomplished last  year, I know I would have made even greater strides ifI had access to 1. real education and 2. real support.  Peer support and peer review are two of the most valuable tools in learning any new skill. This is why I am so incredibly proud and honored to have Jacqueline Hyde bring her International School of Burlesque and Cabaret Arts to Jim Thorpe Arts in Motion.

Burlesque is a vehicle for women's empowerment for sure-- on many levels. It allows for playful exploration of sexuality, gender roles, definitions of beauty, power struggles, contradictions in popular culture and so on and so on. Burlesque is female driven and artist driven. It's one of the few art forms I know of where the performer can take on the role of director, producer, marketing agent, writer, costumer, instructor, choreographer and jump between these roles with relative ease--although with no lack of stress! 

As I write this, the Master's Program students are preparing for their first pin up photo shoot with a professional photographer tomorrow morning. They have worked over the last twelve weeks to develop personas, learn costume construction, stage makeup, movement technqiue, professionalism, the history of burlesque and cabaret, etc., etc., everything I had to teach myself huddled in front of my computer late at night. Not only do they have a world class mentor and instructor in Jacqueline Hyde, but they have one of the greatest contributing factors to success--eachother!

 Ms. Hyde could  take her program to any location with success, and with the launch of online classes, she will. I think by being in the right place at the right time this past year, I have contributed in a small way, to the continuing story of what burlesque was, is and will be. Bigger than my own "project", or this blog, or whatever aspirations I have for myself--providing a space for education, empowerment and friendships is my biggest accomplishment of 2011.

In celebration of their achievements, Jacqueline Hyde is presenting The Burlesque Graduate on Saturday, February 18th, 2012 at Memorial Hall in Jim Thorpe. This is a night of tassels and tease featuring performances by each of the graduates as well as special appearances by Dragontown Burlesque! Please join me in congratulating each of these women by attending.

I wish everyone health, happiness and prosperity in 2012 and am so excited to see where the "Full Frontal Mom" will go this year. Thanks for reading!

Blog about blogging and the fact that blog is such an unattractive word and the future

This is a blog post about a blog and me feeling self conscious about writing a blog post about a blog that's about me---primarily. Wondering what direction this is going in for 2012, if any, or if I should be focusing attention elsewhere...hhmmmm.

Trying to tamp down the impending holiday funk.

Trying, as always, to look forward to the coming year with hopeful, lighthearted anticipation. Trying.

I'm either ending this project in order to focus on a more substantial writing piece--with like, grammar and stuff-- or I'm ending this project in order to free up some head space or.....I don't know....I'm not ending it?

I'm not sure where in me this lives right now and so it feels very awkward....just sayin'

Just putting that out there in the land of people blogging about blogs about themselves and reading other peoples blogs about themselves and then blogging about those people's blogs

blog is such a gross word

maybe I should just go to bed

contemplating the attempt to move forward into deeper subject matter on a more regular basis without feeling like a narcissistic douche (yeah I said douche), if possible, or just to post pictures of random women in mom jeans or both......or neither...

God I hate Sunday nights.

The Opinion of One "Hobbyist"

So there has been all this interesting conversation buzzing around the world of burlesque lately about professionalism and credibility and so on and so forth that I wanted to take a minute to toss my hat into the ring. I'll preface what I am about to write with this statement:
1. I am an aspiring burlesque artists with a strong arts background and education. I do not consider myself a "professional" by the current definition of the word.
2. I am new to this scene. I get it; however, I think being new affords me a bit of a fresh perspective than perhaps those who have been entrenched for the last however many years.
3. I'm not trying to piss anyone off or offend anyone--I would simply like to add to this conversation.

We need to discuss the cultural myth called "talent" and how we use this word/concept to critique and value others. There is a common cultural misconception that "talent" is some kind of have or have not quality. Brain research tells us is simply not true. Human beings have been singing, dancing and creating art for millenia. We are all born with the potential to sing in tune, move with accurate rhythm and feel and share joy creating "entertainment". This intelligence is spread normally among our general population as any other intelligence is.

84% of the general population has the ability to sing in tune and move with accurate rhythm.

What does that mean? It means that expression of inner potential + diligent practice = talent. People don't know this and so they think  visibility + money + flashy stuff = talent  and going forward, visibility + money + flashy stuff = professional and so the definition of talent and professional become synonymous and both are wrong.

Perhaps if we could redefine our notions of "talent" and "professional" in the world of burlesque to embody something a little more accurate and therefore a little more encompassing--we would feel less of a need to divide into the "professional" team and the "hobbyist" team.

My definition of professional: 

Showing up on time

Being prepared

Being courteous

An active listener

Adaptable and able to rebound if something unexpected or unintended happens

Understanding the greater good and the real divine purpose of what it's about--engaging the customer/audience

Notice I said nothing about monetary compensation or full time dedication to the pursuit of burlesque. In my opinion, calling oneself a professional relates to the quality of work and attitude carried through performance  and not how much or if you are being paid. It is a reflection of how I carry myself and not how others choose to categorize me. I consider myself a professional by this definition because it indicates that you are going to receive my best work on that day--whether you compensate me with money or not and regardless of your personal knowledge of me. And not for nothin'---but a free meal, a drink, the opportunity to work with you again, a favor when needed is compensation in my book. Don't get me wrong, I would like to be paid money too but to me money is a bonus. The highest compensation an artist can ask for is the feedback from their audience. If I get paid $5 an act or $50 an act but the audience isn't interested--who cares? You will never hear a true artist say "Yeah I'm gonna go phone this one in I don't really give a shit about these people, I just want my $50". Right? You would be appalled and offended at such talk. 

So why equate $$ with professionalism? Why give "amateurs" money as a benchmark of quality? I know this doesn't address the needs or concerns of those who rely on their art to pay their bills but all I can say to that is ---who said we should all be able to do that? Many people have to get second jobs to pay their bills outside the world of art. What if the audience (who is really our boss) decided directly how much we were going to get paid? That would probably level this playing field quickly. It's not a realistic endeavor. Kudos to you if you are making it work but don't  devalue my professionalism because I CHOOSE not to do the same.

Not everyone wants to be a full time artist regardless of money. I CHOSE to get married, start my family, work in education, pay off my tremendous debt for studying art, buy a house and get a little life experience before making time to pursue art because I knew then that I would be 1. Happy 2. a better artist. I don't have the pressure of feeding my son from burlesque and therefore it allows me to study more, think more, create more and up the level of my work before I put it out there. Hopefully it carries forward to what the audience experiences. And newsflash: just because I am not dedicated to this particular art form full time does not mean that I am some kind of disrespectful wannabe--it means I have other priorities and interests. So please do not put me in a catch all category.

It doesn't matter if my audience is every weekend at a dive bar, a symphony hall, a private party or a festival I participate in once a year. If the quality of my work is good and I have been compensated by the audience than that is what matters most. If that makes me a "hobbyist" (which by current definition lumps together a whole lot of different people) and being a "hobbyist" somehow carries a negative connotation--I don't really care. The audience doesn't care about how many dance classes I am currently taking or how much I'm being paid or even that I write this blog. They care if I have opened the door for our shared experience.

Being an artist and being an arts based business person are related but different things. There seems to be alot of grey area on this in the world of burlesque--and everyone knows someone who is a great artist and a terrible business person and vice versa. There has to be, I think, at some point a separation in these two things in order for an art form to survive. When you start drawing lines in the sand of who is and who isn't and what is and what is not you may be increasing business value but you may also be interrupting the natural progression of where the art itself is going. No one person or group can control the cycle of art and no one can control the ever changing sensibilities of the audience or what pop culture is feeding us. So I think it may be unrealistic to revolve an entire career around this and to create benchmarks for artists based on that.

It doesn't matter if the audience is 10 of my friends of 1,000 of New York City's most elite--they all deserve the same level of work and those who deliver on that are the true professionals. The audience doesn't really care about titles, trophies, or competitions. The audience doesn't care if I work at rite aid. The audience doesn't care if I got paid in peanuts or $100 bills. The audience doesn't care if I'm a "hobbyist". Paying undue attention to some of those things serves as entertainment to a very small audience---eachother.

BOOlesque 2011 Video!!

Hi. I have a video to share with you :) Real communication coming soon. Sorry I have been away. Life has gotten wonderful and scary and so interesting and I can't wait to tell you all about it but some other things have just been keeping me so busy. And today there is no milk, eggs, juice, toilet paper or (gasp!) half and half in my entire house! So I gotta get my head out of the clouds and get back to being a domestic for a bit.

Please take a moment to check out the hard work of my colleagues and myself. Dragontown Burlesque is Jacqueline Hyde, Venus Mantrapp and myself. This is our debut number as this troupe at October's BOOlesque show! We are already starting rehearsals for the 2012 Pennsylvania Burlesque Festival! Details to come.


Dragontown Burlesque October 2011 at the Sherman Theater

Walking on hot coals. Digging through my purse.

I'm writing this now simply because it is a notation on a "to do" list that I will soon be able to check off. I never though I'd say that about this particular "side project" but it's the general fate of many different aspects, moments, obligations, events in my life these days. Whittled down to bullet points, hash marks, scribbled, rewritten, revised notations on scraps of papers folded and tamped down in the bottom of my purse. Down in the seams and frayed corners of the lining where little mounds of cigarette tobacco and musty blackened pennies used to live now dwells much of my sense of self.

How about that!? And you thought I wasn't going to write this anymore, didn't you? So did/do I. I don't know what I'm doing at the moment. I'm lost. I'm stuck somewhere between the beginning and end and am not sure which way to turn--not out of fear or anger but honest frustration and confusion. I am distracted and because of  this I feel ineffectual in every aspect of my life.

The studio is coming along and some of the classes have started and some more are going to start in November, which I should be and on some level am, excited about and proud of. Within the next couple of months I hope to have some kind of perspective on the whole thing--a slow motion-fist pump in the air-moment of triumph where self-doubt, anxiety and general fucking bleh melt away into the storm drain and I am left standing under the shining lamp post of my new day.

But as for right now, I'm an aspiring stripper who works with children, a stay-at-home mom who owns a business, a "CEO" without a paycheck, etc., etc., Trust me I'm really not complaining, I can't complain because I willingly brought it all on myself. I think I'm going through a little identity crisis or something. I've been home with my son for three and a half years and finally got into the groove of domesticity and made ultimate peace with not having a personal source of income. Now I've jumped head first into starting a small business in a horrible economy and all I think about is budgeting: time, money, and self.

I'm accustomed to describing myself as a stay-at-home mom and now I'm not sure where I fit. That may sounds silly--it does--but it's bothering me. It's not like I'm forging any kind of new frontier. Women take care of their kids and have side businesses or other sources of income all the time. It's multitasking on  a new level--matchsticks to hot coals.

I don't know if I'm going to be good at this. That's the issue. How do I know? What will it feel like? I'm a person who takes very calculated risks---I never "wing it" or "leave it in God's hands". I'm tired and frustrated and distracted and unsure--which seems to be the scary bit. Unsure. Being self-assured is a survival skill for me and I have crafted it over time--not cocky--confident in my abilities and perceived limitations and doing my personal best based on that.

Now I can cross this off my list. Sorry.

Come See Me on the Radio

Just a quick hello and a couple of links.

The first is a segment from The Cerebral Circus with Kenny Jay on D-Rock radio. I had the pleasure of spending some time with them last night along with Executive Producer of Dragontown Burlesque and the Pennsylvania Burlesque Festival talking about a myriad of topics--more to come.

The second link is to the website for the studio I am feverishly working on. Please feel free to sing up for the E-Newsletter. Will be back to write more soon.


Radio Show

Jim Thorpe Arts in Motion

A Plan in Motion

I'm opening a dance/fitness/arts studio. There you go. I have no clever way of introducing the topic--I have no clever way to introduce any topic--I'm too damn tired to be clever. The hows and whys are all very intriguing and all very time consuming, here is what you need to know:

1. During my time away from mommyhood and burlesque I teach a very small early education movement and music program. I teach in semesters and rent space here and there as I can afford it. I was scrambling for a place this summer and ended up in an empty storefront.

2.The storefront had real potential but knew I could not afford to keep it going myself and thought it would be good to have someone rent it with me. I had no clue who that would be.

3. Jacqueline Hyde  (whom I had the pleasure of meeting at the Jim Thorpe Burlesque Festival) approached me about participating in Cross Country Cabaret Project (you know about this if you read my last post) and was looking for local rehearsal space--oh, wait I'm renting an empty store front.....

4. Then after alot of emails, phone calls, list making, midnight pacing, credit card charges, internet searching, text messages, credit card charges, bank transactions, nail biting, diarrhea, daydreaming, credit card charges, fireside chats, picture taking, bouts of anxiety and credit card charges later..

the stage was set to create Jim Thorpe Arts in Motion.

I don't know if I'm a genius or I did too many whippets that summer in college but either way the "full frontal mom" is adding business owner to her list of  credentials and of course, not without the help of some really wonderful people who will be teaching at the studio this fall as well. I'm equally excited, frustrated and terrified. To me this indicates it's worth taking on.

I  want JTAIM, as I've been abbreviating it, to be a success. It should be the type of space where the participants and teachers feel comfortable enough to try new things. They should feel supported but not pushed. I'd like on any given day of the week there to be a variety of things going on from the early education program I teach, to burlesque and cabaret arts (click here now!) , to yoga, to writing, stand up comedy, etc., ect. We are starting small but there is so much potential for growth.

For being an "arts" community I don't see the art involving much of the local community or challenging it in any way to participate. I would like JTAIM to bridge that gap. I think the community is ready and willing for something different, a mix of classes and experiences that are meant to get people feeling good about themselves and in touch with their own creativity. A place where their kids can come and be introduced to music and dance without becoming a "toddlers in tiaras" cliche. No crappy Waiting for Guffman style community theater, no recitals that go on all afternoon, no clique-ie gym locker room. Just art, expression, health, discovery, joy, support, learning--those are the things I wish for people.

Of course, this means big changes in my personal life. I guess I'm going back to work--I wasn't planning on doing that for at least two more years. My somewhat separate lives are going to converge---mom, business owner, teacher, stripper under one roof and very much in public. Regardless of the studio this is ideally how things should be. I want to be who I am on all fronts---anything less is starting to feel like a big lie.

 I daydream about the studio being a success and about people embracing the idea of all it could be and hopefully will be. I want my family to be proud of me. I want my husband to say "there goes my wife, did you know she owns her own business AND she's the greatest mom in the world AND she's a burlesque dancer?" I want people to feel empowered by the idea of being a "full frontal mom" rather than making any unfair assumptions. On a good day this is where the Little Engine that Could is headed.

On the days when my "to do" list didn't get done, when  I didn't read enough with my son or made sure he ate enough vegetables, or when I let fear creep into my vocabulary, I sit in the bathroom and cry for a while. The truth of it is--my "to do" list has never been done, you can never read enough and I dare you to find a three year old boy who wouldn't rather have a marshmallow than eat his broccoli.

I'll take my turkey with a side of guilt, please..

So by now I guess you figured out, if you follow along here, that I did not make it into The New York Burlesque Festival Star Search Show. Don't fret. There's always next year. Interestingly, I now find myself unable to participate due to other commitments. I've been keeping a stiff upper lip regarding the projects I'm currently involved in because of a couple loose ends that needed tying up.

I am incredibly proud to announce that I will be competing in the US Open Swing Dance Championship along with the cast of the Cross Country Cabaret Project! Held this November in Burbank, California it is one of the largest and oldest national dance competitions in the country. I will be performing in the Cabaret Division along with two of my fellow cast members, Jacqueline Hyde and Deb O'Naire. Our other cast member, Venus Mantrapp, has a prior commitment and will not be able to make it this time. I had the pleasure of working with all three ladies at the Jim Thorpe Burlesque Festival this past April and I'm really looking forward to taking on new projects with them!

The Cross Country Cabaret Project is unique in that the goal is to rotate burlesque and cabaret artists from the East Coast and West Coast to perform at different venues all over the country. Not only will this venture bring together dancers from across the country to share ideas and perform together but it will open the doors to many different types of performance experiences--be it competitions, private events or touring shows. Please visit the website if you get a chance. There is an area to contribute funds to get us off and running! Any donation is much appreciated.

Never in my wildest dreams, not even as a chubby little Bunny in ballet class, did I think I would ever  see a national dance competition, let alone participate in one! Never. Not even when I was dancing four days a week all through high school. Never. And now I find myself not only in the company of some very talented, funny, fabulous, professional women, but I get to go to California--which I've never seen-- and I get to dance!?

There's just one catch. There always is. I won't be home for Thanksgiving. Most likely I will be traveling on Thanksgiving. I could handle it better if I were a single person but this is going to mean leaving my husband and my little three year old pilgrim. I don't go very far without one or the other of them--ever--let alone on a holiday. 

At first I thought maybe we'd make a little family vacation out of it. We'd do the dance competition and then drive to Disneyland and do a couple days there before heading home. It sounded good until Mr. Bedford pointed out that perhaps a longer flight on the busiest travel day of the year was not a good time for a three year old's first experience on a plane. Perhaps, also, a dance competition would not be the most "fun" father-son adventure while Mommy would be off rehearsing and such. So the family decision was made that I would go on an adventure to California, and the boys will be spending Thanksgiving at home with Grammy and the rest of the crew.

As a dancer, I'm elated. As a mom, I'm feeling a little guilty. I'm having trouble reconciling the two. The California trip also forced me to "come out of the closet" to my in-laws, seeing as I would be suspiciously absent from the Thanksgiving table. The conversation went well. I did have to explain what cabaret dance was a couple times, and where I was going and then what burlesque is and how it's different from cabaret--"Oh, so you're a stripper..." no, no, no... "you take your clothes off, that makes you a stripper...." Ok. I could have belabored the point but at that moment, floating around the swimming pool with three generations of in-law women, they seemed to be really accepting of my "being a stripper". 

And no one, surprisingly, took any issue with me spending time and money to go off on a trip; leaving my poor defenseless boys on a major family holiday with not even a pan of brownies to bring for the dessert table. By lunch time it was a non-issue; for everyone except me. I made Mr. Bedford promise that we could schedule our own Thanksgiving the weekend after--construction paper Indian headdresses and pilgrim hats and all. 

To top it off, I think we have a really good chance of winning the Cabaret Division! It's a huge step in the journey and a lovely unexpected opportunity. I really want to do well, for myself and my colleagues. I also want to do well for all the moms who'll be sneaking another beer while stirring the gravy, avoiding family members in the kitchen and wishing to go some place warm for a holiday, just once. 

Moving forward, using all my breath......

I thought I'd take a few minutes this morning while the boys are still sleeping to update everyone on the latest happenings in the world of Bunny! I have to say that the last couple of months have been an amazing, eye opening experience. So many unexpected opportunities have crossed my path and I hope to report back soon with positive news on all of them.

Today I am gearing up for a "One Day Burlesque Basics" workshop with the Philadelphia School of Burlesque.This is a workshop focusing on the history of the art form, classic movements AND pastie making--which I am particularly excited about because I haven't made a set yet. I  would like to make my own in the future. The class comes at a good time since I need to start preparing for the upcoming BOOlesque show at the Sherman Theater in Stroudsburg!

This show is going to be outrageous!! If you can make it, please come. I promise whatever Halloween weekend plans you have pale in comparison to how good this show is going to be. I am very excited to be included in the line up! Tickets can be purchased through Ticketmaster, so please check it out.

Throughout my daily comings and goings---grocery shopping, walking the dog, doing dishes, etc.---I've been drifting off into my own thoughts quite a bit. Happily I am able to report that where there has been fear, doubt and frustration many times; confidence, hopefulness and a clearer vision of who I am and who I want to be--aside from a mom, or a wife--are starting to bubble to the surface of my thought process. Its percolation is a powerful driving force to move forward, take bold steps and  surround myself with like-minded people.

I hope to share more and more good news with you soon!

I applied for the New York Burlesque Festival.....sort of....

Today I applied for the New York Burlesque Festival Star Search show. The top ten selected applicants perform live at the Star Search show, the top three get a performance slot at the NY Burlesque Festival and cash prize. A panel of judges and audience response determines the winners. This event is taking place in Asbury Park, New Jersey--a summertime stomping ground for a young Bunny Bedford. I have close family members within spitting distance!

In the last five to ten years there has been a major revitalization effort in Asbury Park. New businesses and nightlife on the boardwalk, cleaned up more family-friendly beaches with a great boardwalk spray park and beach playground, concert and performance venue rehab, etc. The area is beginning to resemble the once gated neighboring community of Ocean Grove.  Much of the facelift is due to the hard work and determination of the GLBT community and GLBT business owners. This community of people manages to find the "diamonds in the rough" all over this country and works hard to bring  the original charm and character back to the most neglected places. While there are many groups and funding sources that have come into Asbury Park---it all started with the gay community (in my opinion). The Burlesque community has also embraced it as a performance venue---and how could you not? It's got that whole haunted 1930's "it spot" thing going for it, a legendary rock-n-roll town between The Stone Pony and Convention Hall and the whole urban kitschy artsy vibe. You can stand on any street corner and witness the evolution (or devolution) of the town reflected in the architectural landscape. Peaks and valleys of crumbling, burnt out buildings next to high rise condos, boarded up beach shacks and Victorian mansions with gingerbread trim all leading to the sea. I contemplate moving there about every six months!

Anyway, it's funny how things come full circle. Here is the link to a blog post from last November all about my grandmother who raised her kids at the Jersey Shore and still lives there, and how I wanted to tell her about the whole burlesque thing because her heyday was the heyday of burlesque.

Myth, Legend, Grandmother

It would absolutely incredible to participate in this show as a performer and on a personal level. I think the chances of being accepted as one of the ten are slim to none. I will know by the end of July. I plan on attending either way. Maybe I'll invite my Grandmother......

Gender and my Three Year Old

My three year old was admiring my tangerine toenail polish while crouching over his potty seat. Previously, he balked at my "lady hands"--painted fingernails. This morning, though, he was eager to have his toenails painted; insisting that he was, in fact,"... a LADY"!! I made a half-hearted effort to talk him out of it. The whole this is for boys only and this is for girls only  argument really doesn't appeal to me and I don't like to rely on it in my parenting. In truth, I can't think of a single thing, with the exception of urinals perhaps, that is categorically a male only thing.  It was also easier to humor him than to explain why his is, in fact, NOT a lady.

Gender is hot topic--particularly in the realm of parenting these days. I know my values. I know what gender isn't for me. For me it has little to do with toys, clothing, or genitalia for that matter. Maybe I should rephrase and say that I think gender and gender identity are two very different albeit equally important concepts. Growing up I was just as interested in my rock collection, dinosaurs and He-Man as I was sparkly dresses, ballet class and playing house. The culmination of varied experiences and interests as well as early exposure to the GLBT community, I think, has given me  a well-rounded personal gender identity. It is something  I want for my son. 

There are a multitude of educational toys and books geared to make children "well-rounded" in the areas of art, music, foreign language, etc. but I am not sure about gender identity. Sure there are picture books with female doctors, daddies with babies and so on but they don't really address the central points I'm trying to communicate. For me, most of the cartoons and stories with the girls-can-be-whatever-they-want-when-they-grow-up message still leave me with the thinly veiled  ...in spite of your vagina and seemingly weaker constitution subtext.  I don't want to raise him to think we should all be some kind of androgynous robots but at the same time I don't want to focus on physical gender as the primary way to identify ones sense of self. And what you can do in spite of it. I don't know if that makes sense or not.

 For instance, about a month ago he was very interested in mommy's lipstick. He painstakingly applied it all the while checking himself out in the bathroom mirror. Then he took equal time and attention to put lipstick on mommy too. We made a deal--he could wear lipstick in the house but not outside. When we go outside, we can wear chapstick. This lasted little more than a week.

Since then he's moved on to squishing bugs, collecting worms, rough housing with dad and so on---lots of boy stuff. As I write this there is a plastic water bottle full of beetles in my refrigerator.  More and more of a male essence, a typical male persona is coming out in the way he plays with other kids. Now that we're getting through potty training, he has a keen awareness of and interest in his penis. I like to nurture his curiosity. I like to answer his questions as honestly and fully as I think he can handle. I never shame him or embarrass him--about his body, an accident, whatever. That is one thing which really pisses me off--when I see an adult try to shame or embarrass a child--even in a playful way. And yet for all the times I've given myself a pat on the back, there are those few times when I garble the message.

A couple of days ago I was in Wal-Mart looking for a fold up potty seat to keep in the car for in restaurants, etc. When I looked the first time there were a bunch to choose from. When I went back this time to actually purchase one the choices were Tinkerbell or Belle from Beauty and the Beast. So I didn't buy it. What's the big deal? It's a  plastic ring. The week before they had Winnie the Pooh--but on this day only girl seats. Silly, I know. Another time he and I were talking about going pee pee standing up like Daddy and he asked why I didn't do that ---"because I don't have a penis" was my quick response without thinking. Thankfully, it was accepted  without having to explain male and female anatomy to a three year old. I wish I would have just said I like to sit down to pee instead of pointing out the obvious difference in our parts.

Don't get me wrong--I like my parts. I'm diving into an artistic medium that celebrates all things girls--make up, hair, glitter and boobs! Good thing there's boylesque and drag too to round out my son's education in gender identity--when the time is right! In the meantime, we made a compromise on the tangerine toenail polish. He could wear it all day today--to the pool and everything--but tonight it had to come off before bed.

 I know it may seem like a big fuss. I know it may seem like a muddled philosophy but I am a work in progress as a burlesque dancer and as a parent. Raising a son who appreciates nail polish as well as spiders in many ways is just as important to me as raising him to appreciate Matisse and Michelangelo--only I haven't found the Baby Einstein DVD on gender exploration yet. Let me know if you find one!

Swan, Nematode or Peacock

I remember summer vacation from school seeming like it was a whole year unto itself. Magical transformations happened during the summer. Classmates emerged in the fall either a swan--with new boobs or a great haircut, or as nematodes--with acne and headgear.  This fall, friends,  I plan to emerge as a peacock (yeah I know the male peacocks are the fancy ones--that's just the rules of the animal kingdom--just go with the freakin' visual).

I don't know where to go now with the whole peacock thing....I'm not gonna strut around and make that horrible noise.....so let me lead in here by saying that some really cool opportunities have come my way recently. Opportunities that will take a lot of hard work over this summer and into the fall. Ones I couldn't have anticipated but that feel right--which are always the best kind of surprises.

As you know, in my life to the side of this project I am a mom and wife. I also have a very small business--another "side project" of sorts. This small business has the opportunity to expand and grown in ways I didn't think would be possible and yet I can almost reach out and touch it. Mind bending, fantastic and still not completely certain. Once I get a go ahead I will be posting on the progress on a (hopefully) regular basis.

I have applied for the Jim Thorpe Burlesque Boolesque   show coming up in October at the Sherman Theater. I should know by mid July--so keep your fingers crossed for me. I have started to develop my act, at least in my head, so look for more details on that later.

There is another absolutely amazing event happening in late fall that I plan on being a part of. One that will take Mrs. Bunny Bedford somewhere she's only daydreamed about! and.......

my little man is going potty. Like a professional.

While everything seems to be coming into focus, the consequences this new direction may have on my parenting has me a little worried and confused. I hadn't planned on going back to "work" at least for another 2 or 3 years until my son starts school. And of course my goal is to be the supermom with the work/life balance that allows me a fulfilling career and the ability to walk my son to and from school with fresh chocolate chip cookies and lemonade at the ready. This image, this ideal, is ingrained in me. As unrealistic and artificial I know it is--the stuff of Leave it to Beaver and Make Room for Daddy--I still think it's achievable. Even though in the back of my mind I know I'm probably setting my self up for failure. I am not alone in the crux of this dilemma. I know there are tons and tons of parents all around the world struggling with the same thing. For many reasons I like to be really, really hard on myself in this aspect of my life.

 I am going to have to take some time and reroute  my thinking. The possibilities are too bright and bold to toss away in favor of chasing Donna Reed's apron strings. My son may be better off with a peacock than a swan anyway.

Hopefully lots of exciting news to come!

Conversation at Playgroup

I was almost outed at playgroup. A couple weeks back one of the members hosted a Friday night deck party so the moms could get together sans kids and have some fun. Having missed the previous two, I was really excited  to attend this time. It was a small but chatty group. Most of the time I'm so swept up trying to keep eyes on my "Dennis the Menace" during playgroup that I barely make conversation with other moms. I worry about how that comes across--my lack of conversation making--so this deck party was a good opportunity.

The conversation took the usual  bends and twists---kids, husbands, jobs, etc., until, I guess inevitably, the subject of Facebook came up. Now, I have to admit Bunny in everyday life has developed a bit of a Facebook addiction particularly since she got an Iphone. One mom mentioned something I posted regarding pole dancing....my sphincter clenched a little...I'm not gonna lie. I took a deep breath and told them all about my pole dancing, the class I took, that I have a pole at home, muscle groups, competitions and so on. I managed to keep the conversation lighthearted and flowing solely along the lines of me and my pole dancing hobby. That is, until, the same mom mentioned that I also had friends who did burlesque....................gulp.

Now for the sake of clarity--I think it's pretty obvious that I look up to and admire burlesque artists and anyone who supports it and in no way want to give the impression that I would be embarrassed to be personally associated with any artist in any medium----however, I really, really did not want to have THAT conversation at that moment. Not knowing what direction the inquiry would take us all in, I blurted out "I have  friends that do all kinds of things. I have a degree in theater and my friends have done lots of things" and then spilled my wine cooler all over the glass picnic table like a total fucking moron. No one seemed to notice or care so much about that. I quickly changed the subject to my favorite subject---potty training. The night moved on.

I felt really bad about it, though. I still do. A little bit of a Judas almost--dramatic as that sounds (not a Lady Gaga reference--I'm sorry but I don't understand what the fuss is about with that one. I liked her better when she was Madonna). It's not that I want to be one person with one group of people and another person in another group of people. That's not an admirable quality. I'm just not ready. And let's be serious--this is the infancy of this journey. I don't have any street cred. I'm certainly not going to go around lecturing people on my career as an artist.

The unfortunate thing is that I would have liked to have had THAT conversation with that particular mom. She has a career in art and would probably be very receptive. But I just couldn't do it. Not with the other moms. I'm afraid if they judge me negatively than they would also judge my son negatively. That would be a crushing blow. But there are half naked pictures of me on the internet now. So I think at some point it may come up in discussion. I like my half naked pictures on the internet, by the way.

I want to tell my parents. I need to tell my parents. My mom will be fine, she'll just be hurt that I didn't tell her sooner, I think. My dad, that's going to be a hard one. But he lives close so I have to tell him if I plan on doing more locally, which is a goal of mine. I guess since we all live on the internet we're all local in a sense, though.

All I know is that I cannot go backwards, only forward. I'm too happy and have too much invested to let worry stop me. So I'm looking towards the next opportunity--whatever it may be. I wonder how many moms googled "pole dancing" that night when they went home?