Moving forward, using all my breath......

I thought I'd take a few minutes this morning while the boys are still sleeping to update everyone on the latest happenings in the world of Bunny! I have to say that the last couple of months have been an amazing, eye opening experience. So many unexpected opportunities have crossed my path and I hope to report back soon with positive news on all of them.

Today I am gearing up for a "One Day Burlesque Basics" workshop with the Philadelphia School of Burlesque.This is a workshop focusing on the history of the art form, classic movements AND pastie making--which I am particularly excited about because I haven't made a set yet. I  would like to make my own in the future. The class comes at a good time since I need to start preparing for the upcoming BOOlesque show at the Sherman Theater in Stroudsburg!

This show is going to be outrageous!! If you can make it, please come. I promise whatever Halloween weekend plans you have pale in comparison to how good this show is going to be. I am very excited to be included in the line up! Tickets can be purchased through Ticketmaster, so please check it out.

Throughout my daily comings and goings---grocery shopping, walking the dog, doing dishes, etc.---I've been drifting off into my own thoughts quite a bit. Happily I am able to report that where there has been fear, doubt and frustration many times; confidence, hopefulness and a clearer vision of who I am and who I want to be--aside from a mom, or a wife--are starting to bubble to the surface of my thought process. Its percolation is a powerful driving force to move forward, take bold steps and  surround myself with like-minded people.

I hope to share more and more good news with you soon!

I applied for the New York Burlesque Festival.....sort of....

Today I applied for the New York Burlesque Festival Star Search show. The top ten selected applicants perform live at the Star Search show, the top three get a performance slot at the NY Burlesque Festival and cash prize. A panel of judges and audience response determines the winners. This event is taking place in Asbury Park, New Jersey--a summertime stomping ground for a young Bunny Bedford. I have close family members within spitting distance!

In the last five to ten years there has been a major revitalization effort in Asbury Park. New businesses and nightlife on the boardwalk, cleaned up more family-friendly beaches with a great boardwalk spray park and beach playground, concert and performance venue rehab, etc. The area is beginning to resemble the once gated neighboring community of Ocean Grove.  Much of the facelift is due to the hard work and determination of the GLBT community and GLBT business owners. This community of people manages to find the "diamonds in the rough" all over this country and works hard to bring  the original charm and character back to the most neglected places. While there are many groups and funding sources that have come into Asbury Park---it all started with the gay community (in my opinion). The Burlesque community has also embraced it as a performance venue---and how could you not? It's got that whole haunted 1930's "it spot" thing going for it, a legendary rock-n-roll town between The Stone Pony and Convention Hall and the whole urban kitschy artsy vibe. You can stand on any street corner and witness the evolution (or devolution) of the town reflected in the architectural landscape. Peaks and valleys of crumbling, burnt out buildings next to high rise condos, boarded up beach shacks and Victorian mansions with gingerbread trim all leading to the sea. I contemplate moving there about every six months!

Anyway, it's funny how things come full circle. Here is the link to a blog post from last November all about my grandmother who raised her kids at the Jersey Shore and still lives there, and how I wanted to tell her about the whole burlesque thing because her heyday was the heyday of burlesque.

Myth, Legend, Grandmother

It would absolutely incredible to participate in this show as a performer and on a personal level. I think the chances of being accepted as one of the ten are slim to none. I will know by the end of July. I plan on attending either way. Maybe I'll invite my Grandmother......

Gender and my Three Year Old

My three year old was admiring my tangerine toenail polish while crouching over his potty seat. Previously, he balked at my "lady hands"--painted fingernails. This morning, though, he was eager to have his toenails painted; insisting that he was, in fact,"... a LADY"!! I made a half-hearted effort to talk him out of it. The whole this is for boys only and this is for girls only  argument really doesn't appeal to me and I don't like to rely on it in my parenting. In truth, I can't think of a single thing, with the exception of urinals perhaps, that is categorically a male only thing.  It was also easier to humor him than to explain why his is, in fact, NOT a lady.

Gender is hot topic--particularly in the realm of parenting these days. I know my values. I know what gender isn't for me. For me it has little to do with toys, clothing, or genitalia for that matter. Maybe I should rephrase and say that I think gender and gender identity are two very different albeit equally important concepts. Growing up I was just as interested in my rock collection, dinosaurs and He-Man as I was sparkly dresses, ballet class and playing house. The culmination of varied experiences and interests as well as early exposure to the GLBT community, I think, has given me  a well-rounded personal gender identity. It is something  I want for my son. 

There are a multitude of educational toys and books geared to make children "well-rounded" in the areas of art, music, foreign language, etc. but I am not sure about gender identity. Sure there are picture books with female doctors, daddies with babies and so on but they don't really address the central points I'm trying to communicate. For me, most of the cartoons and stories with the girls-can-be-whatever-they-want-when-they-grow-up message still leave me with the thinly veiled  ...in spite of your vagina and seemingly weaker constitution subtext.  I don't want to raise him to think we should all be some kind of androgynous robots but at the same time I don't want to focus on physical gender as the primary way to identify ones sense of self. And what you can do in spite of it. I don't know if that makes sense or not.

 For instance, about a month ago he was very interested in mommy's lipstick. He painstakingly applied it all the while checking himself out in the bathroom mirror. Then he took equal time and attention to put lipstick on mommy too. We made a deal--he could wear lipstick in the house but not outside. When we go outside, we can wear chapstick. This lasted little more than a week.

Since then he's moved on to squishing bugs, collecting worms, rough housing with dad and so on---lots of boy stuff. As I write this there is a plastic water bottle full of beetles in my refrigerator.  More and more of a male essence, a typical male persona is coming out in the way he plays with other kids. Now that we're getting through potty training, he has a keen awareness of and interest in his penis. I like to nurture his curiosity. I like to answer his questions as honestly and fully as I think he can handle. I never shame him or embarrass him--about his body, an accident, whatever. That is one thing which really pisses me off--when I see an adult try to shame or embarrass a child--even in a playful way. And yet for all the times I've given myself a pat on the back, there are those few times when I garble the message.

A couple of days ago I was in Wal-Mart looking for a fold up potty seat to keep in the car for in restaurants, etc. When I looked the first time there were a bunch to choose from. When I went back this time to actually purchase one the choices were Tinkerbell or Belle from Beauty and the Beast. So I didn't buy it. What's the big deal? It's a  plastic ring. The week before they had Winnie the Pooh--but on this day only girl seats. Silly, I know. Another time he and I were talking about going pee pee standing up like Daddy and he asked why I didn't do that ---"because I don't have a penis" was my quick response without thinking. Thankfully, it was accepted  without having to explain male and female anatomy to a three year old. I wish I would have just said I like to sit down to pee instead of pointing out the obvious difference in our parts.

Don't get me wrong--I like my parts. I'm diving into an artistic medium that celebrates all things girls--make up, hair, glitter and boobs! Good thing there's boylesque and drag too to round out my son's education in gender identity--when the time is right! In the meantime, we made a compromise on the tangerine toenail polish. He could wear it all day today--to the pool and everything--but tonight it had to come off before bed.

 I know it may seem like a big fuss. I know it may seem like a muddled philosophy but I am a work in progress as a burlesque dancer and as a parent. Raising a son who appreciates nail polish as well as spiders in many ways is just as important to me as raising him to appreciate Matisse and Michelangelo--only I haven't found the Baby Einstein DVD on gender exploration yet. Let me know if you find one!

Swan, Nematode or Peacock

I remember summer vacation from school seeming like it was a whole year unto itself. Magical transformations happened during the summer. Classmates emerged in the fall either a swan--with new boobs or a great haircut, or as nematodes--with acne and headgear.  This fall, friends,  I plan to emerge as a peacock (yeah I know the male peacocks are the fancy ones--that's just the rules of the animal kingdom--just go with the freakin' visual).

I don't know where to go now with the whole peacock thing....I'm not gonna strut around and make that horrible noise.....so let me lead in here by saying that some really cool opportunities have come my way recently. Opportunities that will take a lot of hard work over this summer and into the fall. Ones I couldn't have anticipated but that feel right--which are always the best kind of surprises.

As you know, in my life to the side of this project I am a mom and wife. I also have a very small business--another "side project" of sorts. This small business has the opportunity to expand and grown in ways I didn't think would be possible and yet I can almost reach out and touch it. Mind bending, fantastic and still not completely certain. Once I get a go ahead I will be posting on the progress on a (hopefully) regular basis.

I have applied for the Jim Thorpe Burlesque Boolesque   show coming up in October at the Sherman Theater. I should know by mid July--so keep your fingers crossed for me. I have started to develop my act, at least in my head, so look for more details on that later.

There is another absolutely amazing event happening in late fall that I plan on being a part of. One that will take Mrs. Bunny Bedford somewhere she's only daydreamed about! and.......

my little man is going potty. Like a professional.

While everything seems to be coming into focus, the consequences this new direction may have on my parenting has me a little worried and confused. I hadn't planned on going back to "work" at least for another 2 or 3 years until my son starts school. And of course my goal is to be the supermom with the work/life balance that allows me a fulfilling career and the ability to walk my son to and from school with fresh chocolate chip cookies and lemonade at the ready. This image, this ideal, is ingrained in me. As unrealistic and artificial I know it is--the stuff of Leave it to Beaver and Make Room for Daddy--I still think it's achievable. Even though in the back of my mind I know I'm probably setting my self up for failure. I am not alone in the crux of this dilemma. I know there are tons and tons of parents all around the world struggling with the same thing. For many reasons I like to be really, really hard on myself in this aspect of my life.

 I am going to have to take some time and reroute  my thinking. The possibilities are too bright and bold to toss away in favor of chasing Donna Reed's apron strings. My son may be better off with a peacock than a swan anyway.

Hopefully lots of exciting news to come!

Conversation at Playgroup

I was almost outed at playgroup. A couple weeks back one of the members hosted a Friday night deck party so the moms could get together sans kids and have some fun. Having missed the previous two, I was really excited  to attend this time. It was a small but chatty group. Most of the time I'm so swept up trying to keep eyes on my "Dennis the Menace" during playgroup that I barely make conversation with other moms. I worry about how that comes across--my lack of conversation making--so this deck party was a good opportunity.

The conversation took the usual  bends and twists---kids, husbands, jobs, etc., until, I guess inevitably, the subject of Facebook came up. Now, I have to admit Bunny in everyday life has developed a bit of a Facebook addiction particularly since she got an Iphone. One mom mentioned something I posted regarding pole dancing....my sphincter clenched a little...I'm not gonna lie. I took a deep breath and told them all about my pole dancing, the class I took, that I have a pole at home, muscle groups, competitions and so on. I managed to keep the conversation lighthearted and flowing solely along the lines of me and my pole dancing hobby. That is, until, the same mom mentioned that I also had friends who did burlesque....................gulp.

Now for the sake of clarity--I think it's pretty obvious that I look up to and admire burlesque artists and anyone who supports it and in no way want to give the impression that I would be embarrassed to be personally associated with any artist in any medium----however, I really, really did not want to have THAT conversation at that moment. Not knowing what direction the inquiry would take us all in, I blurted out "I have  friends that do all kinds of things. I have a degree in theater and my friends have done lots of things" and then spilled my wine cooler all over the glass picnic table like a total fucking moron. No one seemed to notice or care so much about that. I quickly changed the subject to my favorite subject---potty training. The night moved on.

I felt really bad about it, though. I still do. A little bit of a Judas almost--dramatic as that sounds (not a Lady Gaga reference--I'm sorry but I don't understand what the fuss is about with that one. I liked her better when she was Madonna). It's not that I want to be one person with one group of people and another person in another group of people. That's not an admirable quality. I'm just not ready. And let's be serious--this is the infancy of this journey. I don't have any street cred. I'm certainly not going to go around lecturing people on my career as an artist.

The unfortunate thing is that I would have liked to have had THAT conversation with that particular mom. She has a career in art and would probably be very receptive. But I just couldn't do it. Not with the other moms. I'm afraid if they judge me negatively than they would also judge my son negatively. That would be a crushing blow. But there are half naked pictures of me on the internet now. So I think at some point it may come up in discussion. I like my half naked pictures on the internet, by the way.

I want to tell my parents. I need to tell my parents. My mom will be fine, she'll just be hurt that I didn't tell her sooner, I think. My dad, that's going to be a hard one. But he lives close so I have to tell him if I plan on doing more locally, which is a goal of mine. I guess since we all live on the internet we're all local in a sense, though.

All I know is that I cannot go backwards, only forward. I'm too happy and have too much invested to let worry stop me. So I'm looking towards the next opportunity--whatever it may be. I wonder how many moms googled "pole dancing" that night when they went home?

Pictures

So I want to talk more about pictures and being in them and making them. I've always appreciated photography but never had a desire to learn to use a camera or be a model. I never remember to bring a camera anywhere. If it wasn't for my husband I don't think we'd have any pictures of our son. In my house Christmas and Easter were on the same role of film.

Growing up I had two real "model" references. When I was four or five my parents acquired a large stack of back issues of National Geographic. I would sit for hours looking at pictures of far away places--travel and archeology interested me a lot. I also looked at a lot of half-clothed aboriginal type women. That made a huge impression on me. They adorned their bodies with feathers and beads, they had tattoos and body piercings. Some had long dusty dreadlocks and others had deep black angular haircuts sculpted with sharp blades of grass. Sinewy, powerful and yet with soft bellies and voluptuous breasts. I saw a hardness in their expressions. I don't know if they where just tired from hard physical labor or perhaps they didn't feel the pressure of "posing" for their picture like in western culture. At any rate, I know I studied them very intently and openly but I don't remember either of my parents saying anything at all to me about them.

Then in my teen years  I had a subscription to Sassy--not Seventeen. Sassy was Seventeen for geeky early 90's grunge chicks--right up my alley. I also every now and then got my hands on a back issue of Harper's Bizarre which was totally awesome because it was so high fashion and artsy and adult and none of the other girls ever even heard of it.

Somewhere between the two references "model" became a static image about selling clothing or make up and less about conveying an idea or an emotion or a human experience. And of course, once my brain decided that that was what is was about, the idea of posing for a picture became intimidating. Something to measure myself against. And as such, it wasn't art to me. It was advertisement. So I never developed a desire, until recently, to explore it as narrative or whatever.

Alllll that being said, I was really excited to have my pictures taken with Tom (check my previous post about him). I was curious to see what I looked like and where I felt I fit, if I did, on some spectrum in my head. Of course there are tons of candid pictures of me and obviously I know what I think I look like in my daily life but this was going to be an opportunity to see myself through a different lens--yeah obvious remark, get over it. As mentioned earlier, I was pleased by the experience and the results.

One of the most satisfying outcomes was that Tom was open to doing some nudes---which wasn't really discussed as part of our plan. Yeah. In retrospect, springing nudity on even the most professional person is probably a bit of a no-no on my part. However when I brought it up pretty late in the day, he was totally cool and obliging. So why? Because I am feeling this kind of intense need to forge my own way through the last bit of post baby body image stuff, because I just wanted to see what it would look like, because I thought it may be a nice thing to do for my husband, because it felt right. Maybe that sounds completely over the top vain or whatever but it comes from a  place of total honesty in myself. I wanted to see if what's reflected in the bathroom mirror is the whole story or if there is a possibility of more.

 I am seated in the photo. The light/shadow make these beautiful shapes and indentations around my collar bones and my shoulders. My skin looks flawless. Editing? Perhaps. I have mom boobs. They don't land on my chest in the same place they did five years ago. Proof positive. Yes, indeed those are my boobs. If you look closely, the way I am sitting causes the bottom of my belly to slightly touch the top of my thighs. Another confirmation. I've got a little pot belly. It's right there in the picture. Interestingly, though, it kinda reminds me of the aboriginal women. And I like that. I feel a kinship with them now.

So I guess I am a "full frontal mom" now. Like, officially. Not something I had expected to happen at the start of this project but something I am none the less proud of. Picture making is a new goal. I want to do stuff with pictures. Like tell stories with them and stuff. Naked or not. I'm not sure that I'm any good at it and I have a lot to learn but that's what this is all about anyway, right? Right.

I am a little blue, though. A little lonesome. Other people have a local scene or are part of a troupe or network of performers. I'm just kind of here. I have to find where and with whom I fit--if I do at all. It would be nice to have someone to bounce ideas off of or make stuff with or something. I don't have a tennis partner. If I am going to move forward at all I need a new goal--like getting into another show or something. Because now I'm antsy. Again, not a popular topic at playgroup.

So I could go on and tell all four of you about my husband's reaction to the whole thing but I'll give your eyes a rest for now. Until next time.

I hope I did this right....

Here is the link to my flickr thing or whatever in case you haven't seen the pictures by Tom Storm. Thanks!

Bunny's Flickr

Oh, and a very Happy Mother's Day to you! Mr. Bunny made a lovely breakfast and then the boys and I took a long walk along a recently restored trail developed from an old railroad line overlooking the river. Then we went out to hibachi with the rest of the family--three generations of mothers represented! It was a good day.

I can only hope to look back at this time in my career as a mom and feel like I didn't screw up him too bad! Not yet anyway. Although we are having a little squabble over him wanting to wear lipstick now. As soon as I mention the whole "lady hands" thing now he wants "lady lips". Nail polish--bad, lipstick--good. I need to buy him some chapstick I suppose.

Until next time....