Gender and my Three Year Old

My three year old was admiring my tangerine toenail polish while crouching over his potty seat. Previously, he balked at my "lady hands"--painted fingernails. This morning, though, he was eager to have his toenails painted; insisting that he was, in fact,"... a LADY"!! I made a half-hearted effort to talk him out of it. The whole this is for boys only and this is for girls only  argument really doesn't appeal to me and I don't like to rely on it in my parenting. In truth, I can't think of a single thing, with the exception of urinals perhaps, that is categorically a male only thing.  It was also easier to humor him than to explain why his is, in fact, NOT a lady.

Gender is hot topic--particularly in the realm of parenting these days. I know my values. I know what gender isn't for me. For me it has little to do with toys, clothing, or genitalia for that matter. Maybe I should rephrase and say that I think gender and gender identity are two very different albeit equally important concepts. Growing up I was just as interested in my rock collection, dinosaurs and He-Man as I was sparkly dresses, ballet class and playing house. The culmination of varied experiences and interests as well as early exposure to the GLBT community, I think, has given me  a well-rounded personal gender identity. It is something  I want for my son. 

There are a multitude of educational toys and books geared to make children "well-rounded" in the areas of art, music, foreign language, etc. but I am not sure about gender identity. Sure there are picture books with female doctors, daddies with babies and so on but they don't really address the central points I'm trying to communicate. For me, most of the cartoons and stories with the girls-can-be-whatever-they-want-when-they-grow-up message still leave me with the thinly veiled  ...in spite of your vagina and seemingly weaker constitution subtext.  I don't want to raise him to think we should all be some kind of androgynous robots but at the same time I don't want to focus on physical gender as the primary way to identify ones sense of self. And what you can do in spite of it. I don't know if that makes sense or not.

 For instance, about a month ago he was very interested in mommy's lipstick. He painstakingly applied it all the while checking himself out in the bathroom mirror. Then he took equal time and attention to put lipstick on mommy too. We made a deal--he could wear lipstick in the house but not outside. When we go outside, we can wear chapstick. This lasted little more than a week.

Since then he's moved on to squishing bugs, collecting worms, rough housing with dad and so on---lots of boy stuff. As I write this there is a plastic water bottle full of beetles in my refrigerator.  More and more of a male essence, a typical male persona is coming out in the way he plays with other kids. Now that we're getting through potty training, he has a keen awareness of and interest in his penis. I like to nurture his curiosity. I like to answer his questions as honestly and fully as I think he can handle. I never shame him or embarrass him--about his body, an accident, whatever. That is one thing which really pisses me off--when I see an adult try to shame or embarrass a child--even in a playful way. And yet for all the times I've given myself a pat on the back, there are those few times when I garble the message.

A couple of days ago I was in Wal-Mart looking for a fold up potty seat to keep in the car for in restaurants, etc. When I looked the first time there were a bunch to choose from. When I went back this time to actually purchase one the choices were Tinkerbell or Belle from Beauty and the Beast. So I didn't buy it. What's the big deal? It's a  plastic ring. The week before they had Winnie the Pooh--but on this day only girl seats. Silly, I know. Another time he and I were talking about going pee pee standing up like Daddy and he asked why I didn't do that ---"because I don't have a penis" was my quick response without thinking. Thankfully, it was accepted  without having to explain male and female anatomy to a three year old. I wish I would have just said I like to sit down to pee instead of pointing out the obvious difference in our parts.

Don't get me wrong--I like my parts. I'm diving into an artistic medium that celebrates all things girls--make up, hair, glitter and boobs! Good thing there's boylesque and drag too to round out my son's education in gender identity--when the time is right! In the meantime, we made a compromise on the tangerine toenail polish. He could wear it all day today--to the pool and everything--but tonight it had to come off before bed.

 I know it may seem like a big fuss. I know it may seem like a muddled philosophy but I am a work in progress as a burlesque dancer and as a parent. Raising a son who appreciates nail polish as well as spiders in many ways is just as important to me as raising him to appreciate Matisse and Michelangelo--only I haven't found the Baby Einstein DVD on gender exploration yet. Let me know if you find one!