Walking on hot coals. Digging through my purse.

I'm writing this now simply because it is a notation on a "to do" list that I will soon be able to check off. I never though I'd say that about this particular "side project" but it's the general fate of many different aspects, moments, obligations, events in my life these days. Whittled down to bullet points, hash marks, scribbled, rewritten, revised notations on scraps of papers folded and tamped down in the bottom of my purse. Down in the seams and frayed corners of the lining where little mounds of cigarette tobacco and musty blackened pennies used to live now dwells much of my sense of self.

How about that!? And you thought I wasn't going to write this anymore, didn't you? So did/do I. I don't know what I'm doing at the moment. I'm lost. I'm stuck somewhere between the beginning and end and am not sure which way to turn--not out of fear or anger but honest frustration and confusion. I am distracted and because of  this I feel ineffectual in every aspect of my life.

The studio is coming along and some of the classes have started and some more are going to start in November, which I should be and on some level am, excited about and proud of. Within the next couple of months I hope to have some kind of perspective on the whole thing--a slow motion-fist pump in the air-moment of triumph where self-doubt, anxiety and general fucking bleh melt away into the storm drain and I am left standing under the shining lamp post of my new day.

But as for right now, I'm an aspiring stripper who works with children, a stay-at-home mom who owns a business, a "CEO" without a paycheck, etc., etc., Trust me I'm really not complaining, I can't complain because I willingly brought it all on myself. I think I'm going through a little identity crisis or something. I've been home with my son for three and a half years and finally got into the groove of domesticity and made ultimate peace with not having a personal source of income. Now I've jumped head first into starting a small business in a horrible economy and all I think about is budgeting: time, money, and self.

I'm accustomed to describing myself as a stay-at-home mom and now I'm not sure where I fit. That may sounds silly--it does--but it's bothering me. It's not like I'm forging any kind of new frontier. Women take care of their kids and have side businesses or other sources of income all the time. It's multitasking on  a new level--matchsticks to hot coals.

I don't know if I'm going to be good at this. That's the issue. How do I know? What will it feel like? I'm a person who takes very calculated risks---I never "wing it" or "leave it in God's hands". I'm tired and frustrated and distracted and unsure--which seems to be the scary bit. Unsure. Being self-assured is a survival skill for me and I have crafted it over time--not cocky--confident in my abilities and perceived limitations and doing my personal best based on that.

Now I can cross this off my list. Sorry.