Moving Forward

Before I get into to talking about my day, I just want to wish you a very Merry Christmas and a healthy and prosperous New Year!! The love and support I've received through this blog  makes me feel giddy! I usually  feel blue this time of year; focusing on what didn't work out, grasping for time to go back and correct mistakes or finish what I started. I hate New Year's Eve, I always have. It feels like being forced to count down the last minute before getting pushed off a bridge only to be hoisted back up with a wink and some elbowing. 2010 presented some of the darkest moments in my life thus far, moments best left in the distant past. But the little triumphs made the year a success in sum total. As I said in my very first post, I turned 30 this year. Although some people make it seem like the beginning of the end, I think I'm at least 3 inches taller!

I'm not the same size or shape as I was pre-child--and guess what--I'm over it. Other than giving birth, this is the first time in a while that I've connected to creative purposefulness of my body. I can use it to create beautiful art and the body nor the art has to be perfect to be enjoyed--if only every woman could feel that. Seriously, what could my body possible do for me ten pounds lighter that it can't do for me right now? And, of course, the moment I made the shift in perspective I began to lose weight. Losing weight though, is secondary to happiness. I can look myself in the eye and say that now.

I should really also take a moment to give kudos to Mr. Bunny. I can say without hesitation that he has been completely cool, supportive and genuinely interested in this whole venture without even the slightest intonation of resentment, jealousy or doubt in my ability. He is hands down the best friend I have ever had and will ever have--a tried and true life partner. We have learned (often the hard way) that by the time the bills are paid, emails answered, laundry done, child put to bed you're just too damn exhausted most days to even have a meaningful conversation. When you're constantly at the mercy of the "to-do list" you're not only in danger of losing your identity but drifting over the waves and out to sea--far from home. Paddling to safety alone is to daunting a task. You need a compass to point the way or a good strong anchor to keep you grounded. Mr. Bunny has been my compass and my anchor throughout this year. And he bought me an eight-and-a-half foot shiny phallus and assisted in erecting in our bedroom.....but anyway..

After I whisked my son off to the germ-infested den of hyperactivity known as daycare this morning, I had a chance to put in a good forty five minutes on my burlesque piece. All in all good practice; although, for some reason the zipper on my dress was a little uncooperative. Luckily, I've allowed myself enough time in the music (it seems) that if it gets a little stuck I can still get it down. Oh, and I purchased a thong. I know I said Bunny would not perform in a thong but the other panties I tried just didn't do it for me. A totally bare ass has a certain "wow factor". It was also time to give my pasties a go. I knew the flimsy disks of double-sided tape included in the packaging were not going to be enough for performance--for that I plan on getting some spirit gum but I figured they'd at least be good enough for a little tassel twirling practice. I am happy to report that for the whole 30 seconds the tape held my girls did a good job! I may not have been able to nurse my son---nothing diminishes the confidence of a first-time mom like her her newborn baby slapping a tit out of his mouth--but by God, they can bounce and twirl tassels. That's gotta be a powerful force of good somewhere in the universe!

This morning's session was followed by the next to last one of my classes with Maria. We went over some basic spins, which with the additional home practice, I am getting better at. Then she threw me for a bit of a loop by asking me to  improvise some walking patterns and dancing with out spins. Waahh?? Now I have  plenty of performance experience, a four-year degree in Theater that I am still paying off and some quality dance technique behind me and I could not come up with a thing. I ended up walking in circles and doing a couple hip roles. She actually gave me a little scolding! Admittedly, I have been focusing with such diligence on trying to at least get the spins right and trying to develop basic technique that I totally forgot it's called pole DANCING--not walk and spin. And transitions! If you land a spin on your knees how are you going to do get back up on your feet in a sexy, dancey way?

It was a little embarrassing and I wanted to kick myself in the ass for completely ignoring some of the fundamental strengths I have--basic dance technique and stage presence. Boy, what a day. It doesn't matter if I can do ten spins in a row if I walk around in a circle for four minutes starring into space. Yuck. Here I've been working so hard on my dance technique and playing with the audience in my burlesque piece and so hard on hoisting my fat ass up on the pole and didn't even consider the bridge between them--which was my goal in the very first place.

 It's given me A LOT to think about and a lot of homework; however, Santa is coming very soon! I really want to absorb as much as I can with my son this Christmas because this is the first year he really seems to get it. His excitement is contagious! I wouldn't care if I didn't get a single present this year as long as I get to see the look on his face when he sees that Santa has left presents under the tree. I also want to spend some quality time with my Grandmother and watch her and my son together. I don't know how many more Christmas' we'll be blessed to share with her--and I say that with as much perspective as I can muster on the issue. Now off to finish wrapping--I thought I was done?!

Have a lovely holiday! See you next year!