New Year's Sucks

I feel fat, ugly, awkward and cranky....it must be close to New Year's. As much as I'm trying to keep the feelings at bay my end-of-the-year/beginning a new year anxiety is ramping way up. This happens to me every time and try as I may, no matter what is going on in my life---good, bad or otherwise--I can't seem to shake it off until well into January.

There are a number of factors adding to my current state. After twelve years together I decided to finally end my relationship with nicotine. It's been long overdue. Honestly, this past year my smoking habit was all about not going through withdrawal and feeling sick (that sounds so sad, like a heroine addict or something, but it's totally true). I've tried to quit and failed each time until I recently decided to go on Chantix. I should not have gone back to it after I had my son in the first place, but I did--I know, I know.

Just as a side note--something that really pisses me off is the general assumption that once a woman becomes pregnant some kind of switch goes off in her head and she becomes this jolly, matronly exemplary model of good behavior. Any vice, personal struggle or,quite frankly, certain parts of her own identity are suddenly expected to be put on the back burner. Of course the joys of preparing for parenthood and the life growing inside of you are very inspiring--but it doesn't make you a model citizen overnight--it's hard work and it can be a scary lonely place sometimes. So just back off a little. Especially if you don't have kids. I'm just saying.

Anyway, I chose Christmas Day as my quit date--thinking it would be a good day with all the food and happy distractions. I was right, in part. What I didn't count on was getting my period early and also a raging, painful throat/ear thing. Triple fucking whammy. It was a blessing in disguise because between the Chantix and the amazing amount of pain I was in kept me from smoking at all--so far. So far so good, I guess. I'd like to use my New Year's resolution for something a little different this year like--remembering to take my vitamins, read more or drink more water--something other than the daunting task of quitting smoking (which at the time I really had no intention of doing anyway).

I'm not ready to cap off the year yet without visiting my extended family in New Jersey. I have never missed a between Christmas and New Year's visit with them in my lifetime. Unfortunately, they've been buried in 3 feet of snow since Sunday and today being Wednesday, they are just beginning to get their streets plowed. Even if the Turnpike or Parkway is clear, the smaller highways and town roads are not passable, not yet anyway. So the visit will have to wait until next weekend which is really throwing me off. I feel like a skip in an old record. I'm mentally stuck on the fact that my "holiday season" cannot conclude before this visit, it's out there hanging in the balance and I miss my family--so I'm all uptight about it. I probably have a very mild form of OCD or General Anxiety Disorder. I can easily admit to that.

Of course, since I've been sick this week and with all the holiday hub bub I haven't had time to do anything of the burlesque or pole nature which has got me bummed and jonesing to practice. I feel fat and greasy and gross from my week of holiday eating and a little frustrated with the whole thing. I suffer from terrible end-of-the-year self-doubt (yeah I know I mentioned it before). I have a bad case. I'm just wondering where I'm headed with this whole project. Obviously, if the couple of opportunities I would like to be involved in work out, I'll be pleased. But where do I go from there? I certainly have no interested in pole dancing in a gentleman's club. I don't have anything against the ladies that work there or the clients the patron them. It's not what I want to do with my dancing (if I can call it that at this point). I'm not the body type they're looking for and I'm fine with that. I also have no interest in dealing with strip club men. I wouldn't do well in that environment.

My corner of the world seems to be lacking in cabaret type clubs or venues, to my knowledge, that regularly feature burlesque acts and such. There are some outside my little haven but that's at least an hour and half drive or more. I hate driving. Yeah I know I'm just bitching. Honestly, I don't know why, other than possibly parking issues, someone hasn't come along to open a night club/artist venue in my area because I think it would go over well. Money and parking.

My point is that I feel a little isolated with this whole idea. I wish I had a girlfriend or a burlesque buddy or something--don't get me wrong the blog is great support. There's just something about being in a group of people with a common interest or passion that feels so satisfying. That's the major thing I miss about college. Probably the only thing. In the theater department where I went to school you had a whole family of kids with the same geeky Glee-type obsessions. Or people you could just bounce ideas off of or who would acknowledged when you really improved on something. I miss the united front of all things artsy fartsy and silly. We had our own side of the cafeteria for fuck's sake!  I never thought there would come a time when I really needed to go back there. To go back to all those people but I miss them and wish we where all back there now.

Did I mention that quitting smoking is not fun? Because it's really not a good time.

I am a type A personality in many ways--a planner, a thinker. I do not like to "go with the flow". This project needs a plan and a vision beyond spring and since I don't know what that is, although it may sound exciting to some, it's really messing with me.

I'm frustrated. and I hate New Year's. By the end of next week I'll be better. and I'll be a non-smoker. Besides, why should I get myself all stressed out when I've still got a lot to learn and practice? It's not like I'm some kind of amazing sex goddess and no numbers in my black book. I'm a sex goddess in training--no reason to put the cart before the horse. Ok, maybe not the best image in regards to my self-esteem.

Remember the scenes in Silkwood when Meryl Streep would accidentally contaminate herself and then they'd put her in that boiling hot shower and scrub her down with that brillo brush thing? That's my idea of a good time. I like to stand in a super hot shower and just let all the crap inside my head go down the drain. I think it'll help me get rid of these greasy heebie-geebie blues. So that's what I'm gonna go do.

Happy New Year.