I feel fat, ugly, awkward and cranky....it must be close to New Year's. As much as I'm trying to keep the feelings at bay my end-of-the-year/beginning a new year anxiety is ramping way up. This happens to me every time and try as I may, no matter what is going on in my life---good, bad or otherwise--I can't seem to shake it off until well into January.
There are a number of factors adding to my current state. After twelve years together I decided to finally end my relationship with nicotine. It's been long overdue. Honestly, this past year my smoking habit was all about not going through withdrawal and feeling sick (that sounds so sad, like a heroine addict or something, but it's totally true). I've tried to quit and failed each time until I recently decided to go on Chantix. I should not have gone back to it after I had my son in the first place, but I did--I know, I know.
Just as a side note--something that really pisses me off is the general assumption that once a woman becomes pregnant some kind of switch goes off in her head and she becomes this jolly, matronly exemplary model of good behavior. Any vice, personal struggle or,quite frankly, certain parts of her own identity are suddenly expected to be put on the back burner. Of course the joys of preparing for parenthood and the life growing inside of you are very inspiring--but it doesn't make you a model citizen overnight--it's hard work and it can be a scary lonely place sometimes. So just back off a little. Especially if you don't have kids. I'm just saying.
Anyway, I chose Christmas Day as my quit date--thinking it would be a good day with all the food and happy distractions. I was right, in part. What I didn't count on was getting my period early and also a raging, painful throat/ear thing. Triple fucking whammy. It was a blessing in disguise because between the Chantix and the amazing amount of pain I was in kept me from smoking at all--so far. So far so good, I guess. I'd like to use my New Year's resolution for something a little different this year like--remembering to take my vitamins, read more or drink more water--something other than the daunting task of quitting smoking (which at the time I really had no intention of doing anyway).
I'm not ready to cap off the year yet without visiting my extended family in New Jersey. I have never missed a between Christmas and New Year's visit with them in my lifetime. Unfortunately, they've been buried in 3 feet of snow since Sunday and today being Wednesday, they are just beginning to get their streets plowed. Even if the Turnpike or Parkway is clear, the smaller highways and town roads are not passable, not yet anyway. So the visit will have to wait until next weekend which is really throwing me off. I feel like a skip in an old record. I'm mentally stuck on the fact that my "holiday season" cannot conclude before this visit, it's out there hanging in the balance and I miss my family--so I'm all uptight about it. I probably have a very mild form of OCD or General Anxiety Disorder. I can easily admit to that.
Of course, since I've been sick this week and with all the holiday hub bub I haven't had time to do anything of the burlesque or pole nature which has got me bummed and jonesing to practice. I feel fat and greasy and gross from my week of holiday eating and a little frustrated with the whole thing. I suffer from terrible end-of-the-year self-doubt (yeah I know I mentioned it before). I have a bad case. I'm just wondering where I'm headed with this whole project. Obviously, if the couple of opportunities I would like to be involved in work out, I'll be pleased. But where do I go from there? I certainly have no interested in pole dancing in a gentleman's club. I don't have anything against the ladies that work there or the clients the patron them. It's not what I want to do with my dancing (if I can call it that at this point). I'm not the body type they're looking for and I'm fine with that. I also have no interest in dealing with strip club men. I wouldn't do well in that environment.
My corner of the world seems to be lacking in cabaret type clubs or venues, to my knowledge, that regularly feature burlesque acts and such. There are some outside my little haven but that's at least an hour and half drive or more. I hate driving. Yeah I know I'm just bitching. Honestly, I don't know why, other than possibly parking issues, someone hasn't come along to open a night club/artist venue in my area because I think it would go over well. Money and parking.
My point is that I feel a little isolated with this whole idea. I wish I had a girlfriend or a burlesque buddy or something--don't get me wrong the blog is great support. There's just something about being in a group of people with a common interest or passion that feels so satisfying. That's the major thing I miss about college. Probably the only thing. In the theater department where I went to school you had a whole family of kids with the same geeky Glee-type obsessions. Or people you could just bounce ideas off of or who would acknowledged when you really improved on something. I miss the united front of all things artsy fartsy and silly. We had our own side of the cafeteria for fuck's sake! I never thought there would come a time when I really needed to go back there. To go back to all those people but I miss them and wish we where all back there now.
Did I mention that quitting smoking is not fun? Because it's really not a good time.
I am a type A personality in many ways--a planner, a thinker. I do not like to "go with the flow". This project needs a plan and a vision beyond spring and since I don't know what that is, although it may sound exciting to some, it's really messing with me.
I'm frustrated. and I hate New Year's. By the end of next week I'll be better. and I'll be a non-smoker. Besides, why should I get myself all stressed out when I've still got a lot to learn and practice? It's not like I'm some kind of amazing sex goddess and no numbers in my black book. I'm a sex goddess in training--no reason to put the cart before the horse. Ok, maybe not the best image in regards to my self-esteem.
Remember the scenes in Silkwood when Meryl Streep would accidentally contaminate herself and then they'd put her in that boiling hot shower and scrub her down with that brillo brush thing? That's my idea of a good time. I like to stand in a super hot shower and just let all the crap inside my head go down the drain. I think it'll help me get rid of these greasy heebie-geebie blues. So that's what I'm gonna go do.
Happy New Year.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Moving Forward
Before I get into to talking about my day, I just want to wish you a very Merry Christmas and a healthy and prosperous New Year!! The love and support I've received through this blog makes me feel giddy! I usually feel blue this time of year; focusing on what didn't work out, grasping for time to go back and correct mistakes or finish what I started. I hate New Year's Eve, I always have. It feels like being forced to count down the last minute before getting pushed off a bridge only to be hoisted back up with a wink and some elbowing. 2010 presented some of the darkest moments in my life thus far, moments best left in the distant past. But the little triumphs made the year a success in sum total. As I said in my very first post, I turned 30 this year. Although some people make it seem like the beginning of the end, I think I'm at least 3 inches taller!
I'm not the same size or shape as I was pre-child--and guess what--I'm over it. Other than giving birth, this is the first time in a while that I've connected to creative purposefulness of my body. I can use it to create beautiful art and the body nor the art has to be perfect to be enjoyed--if only every woman could feel that. Seriously, what could my body possible do for me ten pounds lighter that it can't do for me right now? And, of course, the moment I made the shift in perspective I began to lose weight. Losing weight though, is secondary to happiness. I can look myself in the eye and say that now.
I should really also take a moment to give kudos to Mr. Bunny. I can say without hesitation that he has been completely cool, supportive and genuinely interested in this whole venture without even the slightest intonation of resentment, jealousy or doubt in my ability. He is hands down the best friend I have ever had and will ever have--a tried and true life partner. We have learned (often the hard way) that by the time the bills are paid, emails answered, laundry done, child put to bed you're just too damn exhausted most days to even have a meaningful conversation. When you're constantly at the mercy of the "to-do list" you're not only in danger of losing your identity but drifting over the waves and out to sea--far from home. Paddling to safety alone is to daunting a task. You need a compass to point the way or a good strong anchor to keep you grounded. Mr. Bunny has been my compass and my anchor throughout this year. And he bought me an eight-and-a-half foot shiny phallus and assisted in erecting in our bedroom.....but anyway..
After I whisked my son off to the germ-infested den of hyperactivity known as daycare this morning, I had a chance to put in a good forty five minutes on my burlesque piece. All in all good practice; although, for some reason the zipper on my dress was a little uncooperative. Luckily, I've allowed myself enough time in the music (it seems) that if it gets a little stuck I can still get it down. Oh, and I purchased a thong. I know I said Bunny would not perform in a thong but the other panties I tried just didn't do it for me. A totally bare ass has a certain "wow factor". It was also time to give my pasties a go. I knew the flimsy disks of double-sided tape included in the packaging were not going to be enough for performance--for that I plan on getting some spirit gum but I figured they'd at least be good enough for a little tassel twirling practice. I am happy to report that for the whole 30 seconds the tape held my girls did a good job! I may not have been able to nurse my son---nothing diminishes the confidence of a first-time mom like her her newborn baby slapping a tit out of his mouth--but by God, they can bounce and twirl tassels. That's gotta be a powerful force of good somewhere in the universe!
This morning's session was followed by the next to last one of my classes with Maria. We went over some basic spins, which with the additional home practice, I am getting better at. Then she threw me for a bit of a loop by asking me to improvise some walking patterns and dancing with out spins. Waahh?? Now I have plenty of performance experience, a four-year degree in Theater that I am still paying off and some quality dance technique behind me and I could not come up with a thing. I ended up walking in circles and doing a couple hip roles. She actually gave me a little scolding! Admittedly, I have been focusing with such diligence on trying to at least get the spins right and trying to develop basic technique that I totally forgot it's called pole DANCING--not walk and spin. And transitions! If you land a spin on your knees how are you going to do get back up on your feet in a sexy, dancey way?
It was a little embarrassing and I wanted to kick myself in the ass for completely ignoring some of the fundamental strengths I have--basic dance technique and stage presence. Boy, what a day. It doesn't matter if I can do ten spins in a row if I walk around in a circle for four minutes starring into space. Yuck. Here I've been working so hard on my dance technique and playing with the audience in my burlesque piece and so hard on hoisting my fat ass up on the pole and didn't even consider the bridge between them--which was my goal in the very first place.
It's given me A LOT to think about and a lot of homework; however, Santa is coming very soon! I really want to absorb as much as I can with my son this Christmas because this is the first year he really seems to get it. His excitement is contagious! I wouldn't care if I didn't get a single present this year as long as I get to see the look on his face when he sees that Santa has left presents under the tree. I also want to spend some quality time with my Grandmother and watch her and my son together. I don't know how many more Christmas' we'll be blessed to share with her--and I say that with as much perspective as I can muster on the issue. Now off to finish wrapping--I thought I was done?!
Have a lovely holiday! See you next year!
I'm not the same size or shape as I was pre-child--and guess what--I'm over it. Other than giving birth, this is the first time in a while that I've connected to creative purposefulness of my body. I can use it to create beautiful art and the body nor the art has to be perfect to be enjoyed--if only every woman could feel that. Seriously, what could my body possible do for me ten pounds lighter that it can't do for me right now? And, of course, the moment I made the shift in perspective I began to lose weight. Losing weight though, is secondary to happiness. I can look myself in the eye and say that now.
I should really also take a moment to give kudos to Mr. Bunny. I can say without hesitation that he has been completely cool, supportive and genuinely interested in this whole venture without even the slightest intonation of resentment, jealousy or doubt in my ability. He is hands down the best friend I have ever had and will ever have--a tried and true life partner. We have learned (often the hard way) that by the time the bills are paid, emails answered, laundry done, child put to bed you're just too damn exhausted most days to even have a meaningful conversation. When you're constantly at the mercy of the "to-do list" you're not only in danger of losing your identity but drifting over the waves and out to sea--far from home. Paddling to safety alone is to daunting a task. You need a compass to point the way or a good strong anchor to keep you grounded. Mr. Bunny has been my compass and my anchor throughout this year. And he bought me an eight-and-a-half foot shiny phallus and assisted in erecting in our bedroom.....but anyway..
After I whisked my son off to the germ-infested den of hyperactivity known as daycare this morning, I had a chance to put in a good forty five minutes on my burlesque piece. All in all good practice; although, for some reason the zipper on my dress was a little uncooperative. Luckily, I've allowed myself enough time in the music (it seems) that if it gets a little stuck I can still get it down. Oh, and I purchased a thong. I know I said Bunny would not perform in a thong but the other panties I tried just didn't do it for me. A totally bare ass has a certain "wow factor". It was also time to give my pasties a go. I knew the flimsy disks of double-sided tape included in the packaging were not going to be enough for performance--for that I plan on getting some spirit gum but I figured they'd at least be good enough for a little tassel twirling practice. I am happy to report that for the whole 30 seconds the tape held my girls did a good job! I may not have been able to nurse my son---nothing diminishes the confidence of a first-time mom like her her newborn baby slapping a tit out of his mouth--but by God, they can bounce and twirl tassels. That's gotta be a powerful force of good somewhere in the universe!
This morning's session was followed by the next to last one of my classes with Maria. We went over some basic spins, which with the additional home practice, I am getting better at. Then she threw me for a bit of a loop by asking me to improvise some walking patterns and dancing with out spins. Waahh?? Now I have plenty of performance experience, a four-year degree in Theater that I am still paying off and some quality dance technique behind me and I could not come up with a thing. I ended up walking in circles and doing a couple hip roles. She actually gave me a little scolding! Admittedly, I have been focusing with such diligence on trying to at least get the spins right and trying to develop basic technique that I totally forgot it's called pole DANCING--not walk and spin. And transitions! If you land a spin on your knees how are you going to do get back up on your feet in a sexy, dancey way?
It was a little embarrassing and I wanted to kick myself in the ass for completely ignoring some of the fundamental strengths I have--basic dance technique and stage presence. Boy, what a day. It doesn't matter if I can do ten spins in a row if I walk around in a circle for four minutes starring into space. Yuck. Here I've been working so hard on my dance technique and playing with the audience in my burlesque piece and so hard on hoisting my fat ass up on the pole and didn't even consider the bridge between them--which was my goal in the very first place.
It's given me A LOT to think about and a lot of homework; however, Santa is coming very soon! I really want to absorb as much as I can with my son this Christmas because this is the first year he really seems to get it. His excitement is contagious! I wouldn't care if I didn't get a single present this year as long as I get to see the look on his face when he sees that Santa has left presents under the tree. I also want to spend some quality time with my Grandmother and watch her and my son together. I don't know how many more Christmas' we'll be blessed to share with her--and I say that with as much perspective as I can muster on the issue. Now off to finish wrapping--I thought I was done?!
Have a lovely holiday! See you next year!
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Like I said, I had some time to myself...
I put in a good two hours on burlesque and another 45 minutes on pole. Exhausted, I've fallen back on one of my favorite past times...You Tube. Please watch this. It's fabulous and so incredibly gutsy! I almost cried tears of joy watching it and I am not being facetious in any way. Watch this on a day when you need to feel beautiful and powerful. Enjoy!!!!!!!!! I give you.. Foxy Tann
Corset, Pasties, Pole and Fruitcake?
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas! Santa was good enough to send me my corset, gloves and pasties in the mail this week plus my pole came!!! I have the pleasure of a couple hours to myself today which I plan on spending on this blog and my burlesque routine and ya know, housework if I get to it.
As of last night the pole is up and fully functional! I spent the better part of the evening putting it together, spacing it out on the floor, finding a stud in the ceiling, etc., all "assisted" by a very over excited and curious two year old itching to help. I kept trying to refer to it as "mommy's exercise machine". I don't even want to use the word pole because I am sure my little echo is discussing it with his Grammy right now. I'm just not ready to answer any questions. I got the X-Pole XPert 2-inch static and spinning in titanium. It's no joke. This is the real deal--not just for home enthusiasts. The best part is it comes with extensions for different ceiling heights and is pressure-mounted--nothing to screw in. So when I'm ready I can take it on the road!!! I gave it a good work out for about an hour and a half (my right shin can prove it) and it still needs to be leveled a little better but all in all I'm very satisfied. I also tried it a couple of times on spin mode and almost puked! It's like a carnival ride. Basically by loosening a couple screws at the base, that are designed for this, you can make the outer tube of the pole spin while the inner tube stays stationary. So when I spin my rotation is a lot faster and longer but you have to have really good control--otherwise it's like being on a tilt-a-whirl. It kind of reminds me of the Seinfeld episode when George's father denounces Christmas and adopts "A Festivus for the Rest of Us"--the only decoration being a shiny metal pole. Maybe Santa will slide down my pole instead of the chimney this year!
As soon as the package arrived this week I raced upstairs and tore off the cellophane encasing my corset, gloves, etc. I'll say this--it's very hard to properly lace and put on a corset by yourself--but no less comical. After a few minutes, standing topless cursing in front of the bedroom mirror, I managed to get the damn thing on. It fits---I guess. The difficult thing for me in buying any type of clothing these days is that my hip measurement does not match my bust and waist. In order to accommodate my hips I should really go up a size; however, then nothing fits in the bust and I get a droopy waist. Luckily corsets offer a little wiggle room because they are tightened and loosened with laces up the back. The one I purchased is even better because it zippers on the side--a little cheat by purists standards--but tough shit.
I've worn a corset before but it was a period costume which laced differently. They have one long "shoe lace" that tightens all the way down and is tied in a bow at the bottom--at least the ones I wore did. This one has two sets of laces that meet eachother in the middle of my back and each get tied in a bow or the four ends are tied together in one bow. So picture, if you will, a topless Bunny trying to tighten the top only to loosen the bottom half and vice versa. Very frustrating. I finally got it. It has light boning in it (vertical rods that give the corset structure and shape) but is made of a stretchier material. Thank God, because Mr. Bunny brought me home some fruitcake the other day. One of my most favorite foods in the world! In fact, for my last meal I'll probably request some kind of sushi roll, steak medium rare and fruitcake and plain egg nogg for dessert. Now I have to make sure I don't eat the blessed thing in one sitting! I've been known to go through a whole fruitcake in a 24-hour period. I can't afford it at all this year--but I digress. I may need cheese fries at my last meal too--or gravy fries!!!! Anyway....
If I continue work with the corset I can get it adjusted to where I want it. Really you should go to someone who specializes in corset making and get measured, fitted and laced properly. I could probably close it all the way if I was going to stand in one spot and take small breaths all day. Instead I am going to sew in a modesty panel. Simply put, it's a piece of material that sits under the laces in the back--this way there is no bare skin showing and the laces won't leave red marks on my back. If you've ever worn a pretty cami under a low cut shirt, you're creating a modesty panel. Most well-made real-deal corsets have something like that---this is just an inexpensive one I bought on the internet.
More important than getting the damned thing on is getting it off in a graceful, timely fashion--in front of an audience. That is why I had the forethought to get one with a zipper. Not traditional but this way if I get a little tripped up on the laces in back (which I can comfortably reach around to) I can still unzip and get out of it on the side. It fits nicely under my dress as well. Let's hope my fruitcake ass does too.
Class went well this week. I continued to work on the choreography Maria gave me, but between us, I'm not completely sold on it. I think now that I can practice at home I will modify it a bit to my tastes. I am concerned, though, that the pole piece will not be ready for performance any time soon. I'm not joking ladies, it's hard work and I have high standards for myself. Maria mentioned that she is having a Valentine's showcase in February. She encourages her students to perform at her showcases. I may do it. I think I will feel safer in an environment where I am expected to be a student--at least with pole. Like I've said before, the pole dancing is a side step from Mrs. Bunny's original goal. So with that being said, I am off to practice some burlesque bump and grinds!
As of last night the pole is up and fully functional! I spent the better part of the evening putting it together, spacing it out on the floor, finding a stud in the ceiling, etc., all "assisted" by a very over excited and curious two year old itching to help. I kept trying to refer to it as "mommy's exercise machine". I don't even want to use the word pole because I am sure my little echo is discussing it with his Grammy right now. I'm just not ready to answer any questions. I got the X-Pole XPert 2-inch static and spinning in titanium. It's no joke. This is the real deal--not just for home enthusiasts. The best part is it comes with extensions for different ceiling heights and is pressure-mounted--nothing to screw in. So when I'm ready I can take it on the road!!! I gave it a good work out for about an hour and a half (my right shin can prove it) and it still needs to be leveled a little better but all in all I'm very satisfied. I also tried it a couple of times on spin mode and almost puked! It's like a carnival ride. Basically by loosening a couple screws at the base, that are designed for this, you can make the outer tube of the pole spin while the inner tube stays stationary. So when I spin my rotation is a lot faster and longer but you have to have really good control--otherwise it's like being on a tilt-a-whirl. It kind of reminds me of the Seinfeld episode when George's father denounces Christmas and adopts "A Festivus for the Rest of Us"--the only decoration being a shiny metal pole. Maybe Santa will slide down my pole instead of the chimney this year!
As soon as the package arrived this week I raced upstairs and tore off the cellophane encasing my corset, gloves, etc. I'll say this--it's very hard to properly lace and put on a corset by yourself--but no less comical. After a few minutes, standing topless cursing in front of the bedroom mirror, I managed to get the damn thing on. It fits---I guess. The difficult thing for me in buying any type of clothing these days is that my hip measurement does not match my bust and waist. In order to accommodate my hips I should really go up a size; however, then nothing fits in the bust and I get a droopy waist. Luckily corsets offer a little wiggle room because they are tightened and loosened with laces up the back. The one I purchased is even better because it zippers on the side--a little cheat by purists standards--but tough shit.
I've worn a corset before but it was a period costume which laced differently. They have one long "shoe lace" that tightens all the way down and is tied in a bow at the bottom--at least the ones I wore did. This one has two sets of laces that meet eachother in the middle of my back and each get tied in a bow or the four ends are tied together in one bow. So picture, if you will, a topless Bunny trying to tighten the top only to loosen the bottom half and vice versa. Very frustrating. I finally got it. It has light boning in it (vertical rods that give the corset structure and shape) but is made of a stretchier material. Thank God, because Mr. Bunny brought me home some fruitcake the other day. One of my most favorite foods in the world! In fact, for my last meal I'll probably request some kind of sushi roll, steak medium rare and fruitcake and plain egg nogg for dessert. Now I have to make sure I don't eat the blessed thing in one sitting! I've been known to go through a whole fruitcake in a 24-hour period. I can't afford it at all this year--but I digress. I may need cheese fries at my last meal too--or gravy fries!!!! Anyway....
If I continue work with the corset I can get it adjusted to where I want it. Really you should go to someone who specializes in corset making and get measured, fitted and laced properly. I could probably close it all the way if I was going to stand in one spot and take small breaths all day. Instead I am going to sew in a modesty panel. Simply put, it's a piece of material that sits under the laces in the back--this way there is no bare skin showing and the laces won't leave red marks on my back. If you've ever worn a pretty cami under a low cut shirt, you're creating a modesty panel. Most well-made real-deal corsets have something like that---this is just an inexpensive one I bought on the internet.
More important than getting the damned thing on is getting it off in a graceful, timely fashion--in front of an audience. That is why I had the forethought to get one with a zipper. Not traditional but this way if I get a little tripped up on the laces in back (which I can comfortably reach around to) I can still unzip and get out of it on the side. It fits nicely under my dress as well. Let's hope my fruitcake ass does too.
Class went well this week. I continued to work on the choreography Maria gave me, but between us, I'm not completely sold on it. I think now that I can practice at home I will modify it a bit to my tastes. I am concerned, though, that the pole piece will not be ready for performance any time soon. I'm not joking ladies, it's hard work and I have high standards for myself. Maria mentioned that she is having a Valentine's showcase in February. She encourages her students to perform at her showcases. I may do it. I think I will feel safer in an environment where I am expected to be a student--at least with pole. Like I've said before, the pole dancing is a side step from Mrs. Bunny's original goal. So with that being said, I am off to practice some burlesque bump and grinds!
Friday, December 10, 2010
Christmas, Class and Questions
Things seem to be moving right along. My holiday anxiety, I mean spirit, is in full swing. My son had a positive conversation with Santa, I'm half wrapped and the tree is fully decorated as long as a particular two year old stops taking the ornaments off the tree. Next week we're gonna tackle the gingerbread house kit I purchased. That should be fun. In other news...
I managed to make it to my second class without a hitch. Maria developed a short, sweet and sassy pole routine for me. It's cute. I'll be able to pull it off at some point with some much needed practice. I'm a little bummed that there's no big vah-vah-voom trick in it. It's probably for the better since I am still getting tripped up on my hands and feet. I'm the first one to admit that I am a beginner at best. My primary goal is to develop the strip tease routine first and then work the pole routine. By the way, Santa is supposed to bring me a pole--if I'm a good little Bunny. That should be lots of fun!!
Maria and I had an interesting conversation about body hangs up and how our bodies have changed since we've had kids. Surprisingly, she has a lot more issues than I do when it comes to stripping. She never does it in her act, and let me just say, she doesn't need it to fall back on. Her pole routines are sexy, graceful and powerful in shorts and a t-shirt. I was a little taken aback, though, when she admitted that part of the reason she does not remove clothing while dancing is because she prefers her body shape in clothes. As I mentioned before she has a ballet dancer frame with legs that go for miles. I can't even be jealous of her; comparing us physically is like comparing an apple to an orange pound cake. I'm the pound cake, in case you were wondering.
Pole dancing and strip tease are not directly related, cousins, maybe, at best. I wonder, though, is it necessary to take clothing off at all--ever--in performance? Is the strip an essential part of the strip tease or can you create a cabaret type dance number, scantily clad even, but not take anything off and accomplish the same level of sexiness? My initial thought is yes, most definitely. We've all seen someone walking down the street who exudes sexiness or is visually interesting at the least and they are completely clothed. Look at the popularity of Latin dance. Those couples drip with sex appeal and although the costuming is obviously meant to be suggestive they never need to get down to a g-string and pasties to do it.
There's also the beauty of implied nudity. On television, print and in movies we as an audience willingly suspend our disbelief and are often turned on by the suggestion of nudity--even though deep down we know better. Sally Rand, originator of the Fan Dance in burlesque is a prime example. I just finished watching the documentary Striptease: The Greatest Exotic Dancers of All Time which features Rand and a host of other legendary performers. Rand would perform her fan dance sometimes in the nude but many times in a flesh colored body suit. Both performances are gorgeous and you really can't tell the difference at all, in my opinion.
I just wonder--how did we get from showing our wrists and ankles to the Chicago World's Fair, where Ms. Rand's act debuted, to the Victoria's Secret Fashion show, Lady Gaga and Neo-Burlesque? The obvious answer is the desires of a mostly male audience over the years must have influenced this. Along with the fact that most of the male comedians in burlesque moved on to successful careers on stage, screen and later television; while most, but not all, of the ladies were trying to find new ways to keep their acts going. I'm not sure that that is the whole story, though. Maybe as Europe's influence on American culture became stronger--since the Europeans have always been a little more bawdy and a little more open-minded than us. Since it's our tradition as Americans to do everything bigger and better, we got more and more undressed. Interestingly, burlesque went just about extinct at the dawn of the sexual revolution of the late 1950's and through the 1960's. I guess our tastes changed and our feelings about sexuality changed. So in response we created hard core pornography.......is that art? I don't think I'll even entertain that one right now. Can we go backward in time? Backward in thinking? Are we sexually aroused by Neo-Burlesque performers or are we taking a look into the nickelodeon? Does it matter..and if not, why do it?
As I said in an earlier post, I'm really trying to look at this as a new learning experience along with having some fun. One great educational resource is 21st Centruy Burlesque Magazine. I just read on of their featured columns by Beatrix Von Bourbon titled Striptease--Where is the Focus? . The article is what got me thinking of all this in the first place. In summation, the author asks what part of the tease informs the strip? In other words, she challenged her readers to think about the arc of their performances. Are they taking clothes off for the sake of the genre and why strip tease at all? It was really interesting for someone as green as myself. I'm glad I read it now, so early in my adventure, because it will only help to inform anything I decide to do--or not do, for that matter.
Overwhelmingly I've discovered that performers past and present consider themselves true artists and pole dance, burlesque, strip tease--whatever label used--a valid art form. As do I. It's not so much in the strip but in the tease. The art of seduction, flirting, accentuating the female body, peaking the viewers interest, aesthetics--it's all there. Not to mention good general dance technique and stage presence. AND we haven't even touched on HUMOR. That's one of the things I love most about strip tease and one of the reasons I'm so interested to try it. It's a little ridiculous to get all dressed up and then take your clothes off in front of strangers. It borderlines on the absurd. We stopped performing our fertility dances a long, long time ago. I appreciate that the audience and performer are both in on the joke---it's silly and fun and to be enjoyed. It may be one of the only surviving aspects of burlesque in it's original form. Comedic or topical skits are not always featured in modern shows.
Anyway..I'm still not sure I answered my own questions--why remove clothing at all? Some performers choose to and some don't. Some peel a little, some take it as far as possible. I guess it's all a matter of personal choice and creative expression. With access to everything beautiful and grotesque on the internet you would think that no one would care to see a live show. That would obviously be a terrible, terrible shame. I'm glad to see that people still crave some of that live voyeuristic titillation and there is a vibrant community of artists bringing it to them in various forms.
By the way, my dress came today!!!! Early Christmas present as I was not expecting it for at least another week. It fits like a glove--which means I am not permitted to gain one--NOT ONE pound of holiday weight. I should actually lose four. No small task--remember, I'm the pound cake. It will be a good motivator. Besides, I'm gonna have to have something to take off, right??
I managed to make it to my second class without a hitch. Maria developed a short, sweet and sassy pole routine for me. It's cute. I'll be able to pull it off at some point with some much needed practice. I'm a little bummed that there's no big vah-vah-voom trick in it. It's probably for the better since I am still getting tripped up on my hands and feet. I'm the first one to admit that I am a beginner at best. My primary goal is to develop the strip tease routine first and then work the pole routine. By the way, Santa is supposed to bring me a pole--if I'm a good little Bunny. That should be lots of fun!!
Maria and I had an interesting conversation about body hangs up and how our bodies have changed since we've had kids. Surprisingly, she has a lot more issues than I do when it comes to stripping. She never does it in her act, and let me just say, she doesn't need it to fall back on. Her pole routines are sexy, graceful and powerful in shorts and a t-shirt. I was a little taken aback, though, when she admitted that part of the reason she does not remove clothing while dancing is because she prefers her body shape in clothes. As I mentioned before she has a ballet dancer frame with legs that go for miles. I can't even be jealous of her; comparing us physically is like comparing an apple to an orange pound cake. I'm the pound cake, in case you were wondering.
Pole dancing and strip tease are not directly related, cousins, maybe, at best. I wonder, though, is it necessary to take clothing off at all--ever--in performance? Is the strip an essential part of the strip tease or can you create a cabaret type dance number, scantily clad even, but not take anything off and accomplish the same level of sexiness? My initial thought is yes, most definitely. We've all seen someone walking down the street who exudes sexiness or is visually interesting at the least and they are completely clothed. Look at the popularity of Latin dance. Those couples drip with sex appeal and although the costuming is obviously meant to be suggestive they never need to get down to a g-string and pasties to do it.
There's also the beauty of implied nudity. On television, print and in movies we as an audience willingly suspend our disbelief and are often turned on by the suggestion of nudity--even though deep down we know better. Sally Rand, originator of the Fan Dance in burlesque is a prime example. I just finished watching the documentary Striptease: The Greatest Exotic Dancers of All Time which features Rand and a host of other legendary performers. Rand would perform her fan dance sometimes in the nude but many times in a flesh colored body suit. Both performances are gorgeous and you really can't tell the difference at all, in my opinion.
I just wonder--how did we get from showing our wrists and ankles to the Chicago World's Fair, where Ms. Rand's act debuted, to the Victoria's Secret Fashion show, Lady Gaga and Neo-Burlesque? The obvious answer is the desires of a mostly male audience over the years must have influenced this. Along with the fact that most of the male comedians in burlesque moved on to successful careers on stage, screen and later television; while most, but not all, of the ladies were trying to find new ways to keep their acts going. I'm not sure that that is the whole story, though. Maybe as Europe's influence on American culture became stronger--since the Europeans have always been a little more bawdy and a little more open-minded than us. Since it's our tradition as Americans to do everything bigger and better, we got more and more undressed. Interestingly, burlesque went just about extinct at the dawn of the sexual revolution of the late 1950's and through the 1960's. I guess our tastes changed and our feelings about sexuality changed. So in response we created hard core pornography.......is that art? I don't think I'll even entertain that one right now. Can we go backward in time? Backward in thinking? Are we sexually aroused by Neo-Burlesque performers or are we taking a look into the nickelodeon? Does it matter..and if not, why do it?
As I said in an earlier post, I'm really trying to look at this as a new learning experience along with having some fun. One great educational resource is 21st Centruy Burlesque Magazine. I just read on of their featured columns by Beatrix Von Bourbon titled Striptease--Where is the Focus? . The article is what got me thinking of all this in the first place. In summation, the author asks what part of the tease informs the strip? In other words, she challenged her readers to think about the arc of their performances. Are they taking clothes off for the sake of the genre and why strip tease at all? It was really interesting for someone as green as myself. I'm glad I read it now, so early in my adventure, because it will only help to inform anything I decide to do--or not do, for that matter.
Overwhelmingly I've discovered that performers past and present consider themselves true artists and pole dance, burlesque, strip tease--whatever label used--a valid art form. As do I. It's not so much in the strip but in the tease. The art of seduction, flirting, accentuating the female body, peaking the viewers interest, aesthetics--it's all there. Not to mention good general dance technique and stage presence. AND we haven't even touched on HUMOR. That's one of the things I love most about strip tease and one of the reasons I'm so interested to try it. It's a little ridiculous to get all dressed up and then take your clothes off in front of strangers. It borderlines on the absurd. We stopped performing our fertility dances a long, long time ago. I appreciate that the audience and performer are both in on the joke---it's silly and fun and to be enjoyed. It may be one of the only surviving aspects of burlesque in it's original form. Comedic or topical skits are not always featured in modern shows.
Anyway..I'm still not sure I answered my own questions--why remove clothing at all? Some performers choose to and some don't. Some peel a little, some take it as far as possible. I guess it's all a matter of personal choice and creative expression. With access to everything beautiful and grotesque on the internet you would think that no one would care to see a live show. That would obviously be a terrible, terrible shame. I'm glad to see that people still crave some of that live voyeuristic titillation and there is a vibrant community of artists bringing it to them in various forms.
By the way, my dress came today!!!! Early Christmas present as I was not expecting it for at least another week. It fits like a glove--which means I am not permitted to gain one--NOT ONE pound of holiday weight. I should actually lose four. No small task--remember, I'm the pound cake. It will be a good motivator. Besides, I'm gonna have to have something to take off, right??
Friday, December 3, 2010
Recap
Boy, it's been an up-and-down week for this little bunny, that's all I can say. I think there's more check marks in my win column for the week than losses; although, it wasn't much fun getting here. Let's take a minute to see how it stacks up thus far.
In the Losses Column:
1. Came home Saturday night from visiting relatives over Thanksgiving and found that my son had changed the setting on the refrigerator before we left so halph of everything in the freezer was defrosted and the refrigerator was completely shut off. I had to purge half our food, the other half was ok because the door had been shut for a couple of days sealing in the cold air.
2. Sunday night we attempted to take him to see Christmas lights with my mother-in-law. He fell asleep in the car on the way there because he refuses to take a nap anymore. We had to wake him up which is totally unpleasant to say the least. So he acted like a complete ass the entire time we were there in the freezing cold. Some day it will be a funny story. I hope. The good news was we managed to totally avoid Santa--my son likes the idea of Santa, but not Santa the big hairy guy.
3. I didn't make it to Zumba on Monday (which I love, love, love) because of the most heinous period cramps of my entire life. I actually thought I had the flu or food poisoning before I realized what it was. I had the chills and everything. I really wish I could be done with birth control because I am so fucking sick of dealing with side effects and mode swings and blah blah blah. Then again, I don't feel like dealing with pregnancy side effects and mode swings and blah blah blah.
4. I don't know if you are aware of this or not but men can be total idiots some times. Real stupid idiots. Let's leave number four at that.
5. Yesterday I was walking out the door to go to my second strip tease class and realized I locked myself out of the house and had no spare car key or spare house key. Thankfully there was one window on our front porch that wasn't locked so I managed to get back in. I didn't make it to class, though, because my instructor was apparently called into Manhattan at the last minute. Glad I called to tell them I wasn't coming because otherwise I would not have known she was not going to be there.
6. Today I spent 20 minutes in hell taking my son for a haircut. He's getting his Christmas pictures take tomorrow and desperately needed a trim. I literally had to hold him in a head lock while he screamed and cried and told me he hates me. All in front of four or five little biddies waiting to get their silver blue Ronald McDonald perms fixed. It was awesome. I promised that if he was good we'd go to McDonald's afterwards and needless to say, we skipped that and came straight home. I was really looking forward to a McDouble. Goddamn kid.
The day is not over yet, though. Hopefully we can rally after "naptime".
Ok, on to the Wins Column:
1. My Aunt gave me this really great cookbook called Deceptively Delicious. It's written by Jerry Seinfeld's wife and all the recipes are kid friendly with hidden vegetables in them. So far I've made grilled cheese with yellow squash in it twice and my little guy gobbled it right up. That itself it worth all the other trouble this week. Next I'm going to try the chocolate pudding with spinach. Yum?
2. I've been trying to do a lot of research on all things Burlesque in the last two weeks and have found some really great resources--but I'll talk about this more later.
3. I'm pretty sure I found the piece of music I want to use for my debut act. It's relatively popular but it doesn't seem like anyone is currently using it or using it in the same way as I intend to.
4. I bought a dress!!! Of course, it was a three a.m. Ebay purchase (are there any other kind?) it was a decent price and free shipping. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that it is going to fit the way I want it to. If it's not quite right I can certainly tinker with it. I decided I'm not ready to start building my costumes from scratch. That will come eventually if all works out that way I hope it does. I wouldn't mind doing headpieces or accessories, modifying pieces but I'm not ready to make a gown from a pattern. I want to start working with the dress as soon as possible so buying one makes me more comfortable.
5. I got on the scale today and found out I lost two pounds!!!! Over Thanksgiving!!???? I Know! But I got on twice just to check it and it's true. This last ten pounds I'm trying to lose is being so stubborn but at least now I have eight to lose--not ten.
6. I cleaned out my makeup drawer in the bathroom and realized that most of my stuff was waaaayyyy to old to still use. If I was still working I probably would have gone through it by now. So I pitched 90% of it and went on Sephora and bought new stuff! Yes! I love to buy make up and shoes and they're the two things I wear the least these days.
Well, that's all I got for now. Wish me luck for the weekend and I wish you luck for your weekend as well. I'll be back in a few days with some research findings.
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