Blog about blogging and the fact that blog is such an unattractive word and the future

This is a blog post about a blog and me feeling self conscious about writing a blog post about a blog that's about me---primarily. Wondering what direction this is going in for 2012, if any, or if I should be focusing attention elsewhere...hhmmmm.

Trying to tamp down the impending holiday funk.

Trying, as always, to look forward to the coming year with hopeful, lighthearted anticipation. Trying.

I'm either ending this project in order to focus on a more substantial writing piece--with like, grammar and stuff-- or I'm ending this project in order to free up some head space or.....I don't know....I'm not ending it?

I'm not sure where in me this lives right now and so it feels very awkward....just sayin'

Just putting that out there in the land of people blogging about blogs about themselves and reading other peoples blogs about themselves and then blogging about those people's blogs

blog is such a gross word

maybe I should just go to bed

contemplating the attempt to move forward into deeper subject matter on a more regular basis without feeling like a narcissistic douche (yeah I said douche), if possible, or just to post pictures of random women in mom jeans or both......or neither...

God I hate Sunday nights.

The Opinion of One "Hobbyist"

So there has been all this interesting conversation buzzing around the world of burlesque lately about professionalism and credibility and so on and so forth that I wanted to take a minute to toss my hat into the ring. I'll preface what I am about to write with this statement:
1. I am an aspiring burlesque artists with a strong arts background and education. I do not consider myself a "professional" by the current definition of the word.
2. I am new to this scene. I get it; however, I think being new affords me a bit of a fresh perspective than perhaps those who have been entrenched for the last however many years.
3. I'm not trying to piss anyone off or offend anyone--I would simply like to add to this conversation.

We need to discuss the cultural myth called "talent" and how we use this word/concept to critique and value others. There is a common cultural misconception that "talent" is some kind of have or have not quality. Brain research tells us is simply not true. Human beings have been singing, dancing and creating art for millenia. We are all born with the potential to sing in tune, move with accurate rhythm and feel and share joy creating "entertainment". This intelligence is spread normally among our general population as any other intelligence is.

84% of the general population has the ability to sing in tune and move with accurate rhythm.

What does that mean? It means that expression of inner potential + diligent practice = talent. People don't know this and so they think  visibility + money + flashy stuff = talent  and going forward, visibility + money + flashy stuff = professional and so the definition of talent and professional become synonymous and both are wrong.

Perhaps if we could redefine our notions of "talent" and "professional" in the world of burlesque to embody something a little more accurate and therefore a little more encompassing--we would feel less of a need to divide into the "professional" team and the "hobbyist" team.

My definition of professional: 

Showing up on time

Being prepared

Being courteous

An active listener

Adaptable and able to rebound if something unexpected or unintended happens

Understanding the greater good and the real divine purpose of what it's about--engaging the customer/audience

Notice I said nothing about monetary compensation or full time dedication to the pursuit of burlesque. In my opinion, calling oneself a professional relates to the quality of work and attitude carried through performance  and not how much or if you are being paid. It is a reflection of how I carry myself and not how others choose to categorize me. I consider myself a professional by this definition because it indicates that you are going to receive my best work on that day--whether you compensate me with money or not and regardless of your personal knowledge of me. And not for nothin'---but a free meal, a drink, the opportunity to work with you again, a favor when needed is compensation in my book. Don't get me wrong, I would like to be paid money too but to me money is a bonus. The highest compensation an artist can ask for is the feedback from their audience. If I get paid $5 an act or $50 an act but the audience isn't interested--who cares? You will never hear a true artist say "Yeah I'm gonna go phone this one in I don't really give a shit about these people, I just want my $50". Right? You would be appalled and offended at such talk. 

So why equate $$ with professionalism? Why give "amateurs" money as a benchmark of quality? I know this doesn't address the needs or concerns of those who rely on their art to pay their bills but all I can say to that is ---who said we should all be able to do that? Many people have to get second jobs to pay their bills outside the world of art. What if the audience (who is really our boss) decided directly how much we were going to get paid? That would probably level this playing field quickly. It's not a realistic endeavor. Kudos to you if you are making it work but don't  devalue my professionalism because I CHOOSE not to do the same.

Not everyone wants to be a full time artist regardless of money. I CHOSE to get married, start my family, work in education, pay off my tremendous debt for studying art, buy a house and get a little life experience before making time to pursue art because I knew then that I would be 1. Happy 2. a better artist. I don't have the pressure of feeding my son from burlesque and therefore it allows me to study more, think more, create more and up the level of my work before I put it out there. Hopefully it carries forward to what the audience experiences. And newsflash: just because I am not dedicated to this particular art form full time does not mean that I am some kind of disrespectful wannabe--it means I have other priorities and interests. So please do not put me in a catch all category.

It doesn't matter if my audience is every weekend at a dive bar, a symphony hall, a private party or a festival I participate in once a year. If the quality of my work is good and I have been compensated by the audience than that is what matters most. If that makes me a "hobbyist" (which by current definition lumps together a whole lot of different people) and being a "hobbyist" somehow carries a negative connotation--I don't really care. The audience doesn't care about how many dance classes I am currently taking or how much I'm being paid or even that I write this blog. They care if I have opened the door for our shared experience.

Being an artist and being an arts based business person are related but different things. There seems to be alot of grey area on this in the world of burlesque--and everyone knows someone who is a great artist and a terrible business person and vice versa. There has to be, I think, at some point a separation in these two things in order for an art form to survive. When you start drawing lines in the sand of who is and who isn't and what is and what is not you may be increasing business value but you may also be interrupting the natural progression of where the art itself is going. No one person or group can control the cycle of art and no one can control the ever changing sensibilities of the audience or what pop culture is feeding us. So I think it may be unrealistic to revolve an entire career around this and to create benchmarks for artists based on that.

It doesn't matter if the audience is 10 of my friends of 1,000 of New York City's most elite--they all deserve the same level of work and those who deliver on that are the true professionals. The audience doesn't really care about titles, trophies, or competitions. The audience doesn't care if I work at rite aid. The audience doesn't care if I got paid in peanuts or $100 bills. The audience doesn't care if I'm a "hobbyist". Paying undue attention to some of those things serves as entertainment to a very small audience---eachother.

BOOlesque 2011 Video!!

Hi. I have a video to share with you :) Real communication coming soon. Sorry I have been away. Life has gotten wonderful and scary and so interesting and I can't wait to tell you all about it but some other things have just been keeping me so busy. And today there is no milk, eggs, juice, toilet paper or (gasp!) half and half in my entire house! So I gotta get my head out of the clouds and get back to being a domestic for a bit.

Please take a moment to check out the hard work of my colleagues and myself. Dragontown Burlesque is Jacqueline Hyde, Venus Mantrapp and myself. This is our debut number as this troupe at October's BOOlesque show! We are already starting rehearsals for the 2012 Pennsylvania Burlesque Festival! Details to come.


Dragontown Burlesque October 2011 at the Sherman Theater

Walking on hot coals. Digging through my purse.

I'm writing this now simply because it is a notation on a "to do" list that I will soon be able to check off. I never though I'd say that about this particular "side project" but it's the general fate of many different aspects, moments, obligations, events in my life these days. Whittled down to bullet points, hash marks, scribbled, rewritten, revised notations on scraps of papers folded and tamped down in the bottom of my purse. Down in the seams and frayed corners of the lining where little mounds of cigarette tobacco and musty blackened pennies used to live now dwells much of my sense of self.

How about that!? And you thought I wasn't going to write this anymore, didn't you? So did/do I. I don't know what I'm doing at the moment. I'm lost. I'm stuck somewhere between the beginning and end and am not sure which way to turn--not out of fear or anger but honest frustration and confusion. I am distracted and because of  this I feel ineffectual in every aspect of my life.

The studio is coming along and some of the classes have started and some more are going to start in November, which I should be and on some level am, excited about and proud of. Within the next couple of months I hope to have some kind of perspective on the whole thing--a slow motion-fist pump in the air-moment of triumph where self-doubt, anxiety and general fucking bleh melt away into the storm drain and I am left standing under the shining lamp post of my new day.

But as for right now, I'm an aspiring stripper who works with children, a stay-at-home mom who owns a business, a "CEO" without a paycheck, etc., etc., Trust me I'm really not complaining, I can't complain because I willingly brought it all on myself. I think I'm going through a little identity crisis or something. I've been home with my son for three and a half years and finally got into the groove of domesticity and made ultimate peace with not having a personal source of income. Now I've jumped head first into starting a small business in a horrible economy and all I think about is budgeting: time, money, and self.

I'm accustomed to describing myself as a stay-at-home mom and now I'm not sure where I fit. That may sounds silly--it does--but it's bothering me. It's not like I'm forging any kind of new frontier. Women take care of their kids and have side businesses or other sources of income all the time. It's multitasking on  a new level--matchsticks to hot coals.

I don't know if I'm going to be good at this. That's the issue. How do I know? What will it feel like? I'm a person who takes very calculated risks---I never "wing it" or "leave it in God's hands". I'm tired and frustrated and distracted and unsure--which seems to be the scary bit. Unsure. Being self-assured is a survival skill for me and I have crafted it over time--not cocky--confident in my abilities and perceived limitations and doing my personal best based on that.

Now I can cross this off my list. Sorry.

Come See Me on the Radio

Just a quick hello and a couple of links.

The first is a segment from The Cerebral Circus with Kenny Jay on D-Rock radio. I had the pleasure of spending some time with them last night along with Executive Producer of Dragontown Burlesque and the Pennsylvania Burlesque Festival talking about a myriad of topics--more to come.

The second link is to the website for the studio I am feverishly working on. Please feel free to sing up for the E-Newsletter. Will be back to write more soon.


Radio Show

Jim Thorpe Arts in Motion

A Plan in Motion

I'm opening a dance/fitness/arts studio. There you go. I have no clever way of introducing the topic--I have no clever way to introduce any topic--I'm too damn tired to be clever. The hows and whys are all very intriguing and all very time consuming, here is what you need to know:

1. During my time away from mommyhood and burlesque I teach a very small early education movement and music program. I teach in semesters and rent space here and there as I can afford it. I was scrambling for a place this summer and ended up in an empty storefront.

2.The storefront had real potential but knew I could not afford to keep it going myself and thought it would be good to have someone rent it with me. I had no clue who that would be.

3. Jacqueline Hyde  (whom I had the pleasure of meeting at the Jim Thorpe Burlesque Festival) approached me about participating in Cross Country Cabaret Project (you know about this if you read my last post) and was looking for local rehearsal space--oh, wait I'm renting an empty store front.....

4. Then after alot of emails, phone calls, list making, midnight pacing, credit card charges, internet searching, text messages, credit card charges, bank transactions, nail biting, diarrhea, daydreaming, credit card charges, fireside chats, picture taking, bouts of anxiety and credit card charges later..

the stage was set to create Jim Thorpe Arts in Motion.

I don't know if I'm a genius or I did too many whippets that summer in college but either way the "full frontal mom" is adding business owner to her list of  credentials and of course, not without the help of some really wonderful people who will be teaching at the studio this fall as well. I'm equally excited, frustrated and terrified. To me this indicates it's worth taking on.

I  want JTAIM, as I've been abbreviating it, to be a success. It should be the type of space where the participants and teachers feel comfortable enough to try new things. They should feel supported but not pushed. I'd like on any given day of the week there to be a variety of things going on from the early education program I teach, to burlesque and cabaret arts (click here now!) , to yoga, to writing, stand up comedy, etc., ect. We are starting small but there is so much potential for growth.

For being an "arts" community I don't see the art involving much of the local community or challenging it in any way to participate. I would like JTAIM to bridge that gap. I think the community is ready and willing for something different, a mix of classes and experiences that are meant to get people feeling good about themselves and in touch with their own creativity. A place where their kids can come and be introduced to music and dance without becoming a "toddlers in tiaras" cliche. No crappy Waiting for Guffman style community theater, no recitals that go on all afternoon, no clique-ie gym locker room. Just art, expression, health, discovery, joy, support, learning--those are the things I wish for people.

Of course, this means big changes in my personal life. I guess I'm going back to work--I wasn't planning on doing that for at least two more years. My somewhat separate lives are going to converge---mom, business owner, teacher, stripper under one roof and very much in public. Regardless of the studio this is ideally how things should be. I want to be who I am on all fronts---anything less is starting to feel like a big lie.

 I daydream about the studio being a success and about people embracing the idea of all it could be and hopefully will be. I want my family to be proud of me. I want my husband to say "there goes my wife, did you know she owns her own business AND she's the greatest mom in the world AND she's a burlesque dancer?" I want people to feel empowered by the idea of being a "full frontal mom" rather than making any unfair assumptions. On a good day this is where the Little Engine that Could is headed.

On the days when my "to do" list didn't get done, when  I didn't read enough with my son or made sure he ate enough vegetables, or when I let fear creep into my vocabulary, I sit in the bathroom and cry for a while. The truth of it is--my "to do" list has never been done, you can never read enough and I dare you to find a three year old boy who wouldn't rather have a marshmallow than eat his broccoli.

I'll take my turkey with a side of guilt, please..

So by now I guess you figured out, if you follow along here, that I did not make it into The New York Burlesque Festival Star Search Show. Don't fret. There's always next year. Interestingly, I now find myself unable to participate due to other commitments. I've been keeping a stiff upper lip regarding the projects I'm currently involved in because of a couple loose ends that needed tying up.

I am incredibly proud to announce that I will be competing in the US Open Swing Dance Championship along with the cast of the Cross Country Cabaret Project! Held this November in Burbank, California it is one of the largest and oldest national dance competitions in the country. I will be performing in the Cabaret Division along with two of my fellow cast members, Jacqueline Hyde and Deb O'Naire. Our other cast member, Venus Mantrapp, has a prior commitment and will not be able to make it this time. I had the pleasure of working with all three ladies at the Jim Thorpe Burlesque Festival this past April and I'm really looking forward to taking on new projects with them!

The Cross Country Cabaret Project is unique in that the goal is to rotate burlesque and cabaret artists from the East Coast and West Coast to perform at different venues all over the country. Not only will this venture bring together dancers from across the country to share ideas and perform together but it will open the doors to many different types of performance experiences--be it competitions, private events or touring shows. Please visit the website if you get a chance. There is an area to contribute funds to get us off and running! Any donation is much appreciated.

Never in my wildest dreams, not even as a chubby little Bunny in ballet class, did I think I would ever  see a national dance competition, let alone participate in one! Never. Not even when I was dancing four days a week all through high school. Never. And now I find myself not only in the company of some very talented, funny, fabulous, professional women, but I get to go to California--which I've never seen-- and I get to dance!?

There's just one catch. There always is. I won't be home for Thanksgiving. Most likely I will be traveling on Thanksgiving. I could handle it better if I were a single person but this is going to mean leaving my husband and my little three year old pilgrim. I don't go very far without one or the other of them--ever--let alone on a holiday. 

At first I thought maybe we'd make a little family vacation out of it. We'd do the dance competition and then drive to Disneyland and do a couple days there before heading home. It sounded good until Mr. Bedford pointed out that perhaps a longer flight on the busiest travel day of the year was not a good time for a three year old's first experience on a plane. Perhaps, also, a dance competition would not be the most "fun" father-son adventure while Mommy would be off rehearsing and such. So the family decision was made that I would go on an adventure to California, and the boys will be spending Thanksgiving at home with Grammy and the rest of the crew.

As a dancer, I'm elated. As a mom, I'm feeling a little guilty. I'm having trouble reconciling the two. The California trip also forced me to "come out of the closet" to my in-laws, seeing as I would be suspiciously absent from the Thanksgiving table. The conversation went well. I did have to explain what cabaret dance was a couple times, and where I was going and then what burlesque is and how it's different from cabaret--"Oh, so you're a stripper..." no, no, no... "you take your clothes off, that makes you a stripper...." Ok. I could have belabored the point but at that moment, floating around the swimming pool with three generations of in-law women, they seemed to be really accepting of my "being a stripper". 

And no one, surprisingly, took any issue with me spending time and money to go off on a trip; leaving my poor defenseless boys on a major family holiday with not even a pan of brownies to bring for the dessert table. By lunch time it was a non-issue; for everyone except me. I made Mr. Bedford promise that we could schedule our own Thanksgiving the weekend after--construction paper Indian headdresses and pilgrim hats and all. 

To top it off, I think we have a really good chance of winning the Cabaret Division! It's a huge step in the journey and a lovely unexpected opportunity. I really want to do well, for myself and my colleagues. I also want to do well for all the moms who'll be sneaking another beer while stirring the gravy, avoiding family members in the kitchen and wishing to go some place warm for a holiday, just once. 

Moving forward, using all my breath......

I thought I'd take a few minutes this morning while the boys are still sleeping to update everyone on the latest happenings in the world of Bunny! I have to say that the last couple of months have been an amazing, eye opening experience. So many unexpected opportunities have crossed my path and I hope to report back soon with positive news on all of them.

Today I am gearing up for a "One Day Burlesque Basics" workshop with the Philadelphia School of Burlesque.This is a workshop focusing on the history of the art form, classic movements AND pastie making--which I am particularly excited about because I haven't made a set yet. I  would like to make my own in the future. The class comes at a good time since I need to start preparing for the upcoming BOOlesque show at the Sherman Theater in Stroudsburg!

This show is going to be outrageous!! If you can make it, please come. I promise whatever Halloween weekend plans you have pale in comparison to how good this show is going to be. I am very excited to be included in the line up! Tickets can be purchased through Ticketmaster, so please check it out.

Throughout my daily comings and goings---grocery shopping, walking the dog, doing dishes, etc.---I've been drifting off into my own thoughts quite a bit. Happily I am able to report that where there has been fear, doubt and frustration many times; confidence, hopefulness and a clearer vision of who I am and who I want to be--aside from a mom, or a wife--are starting to bubble to the surface of my thought process. Its percolation is a powerful driving force to move forward, take bold steps and  surround myself with like-minded people.

I hope to share more and more good news with you soon!

I applied for the New York Burlesque Festival.....sort of....

Today I applied for the New York Burlesque Festival Star Search show. The top ten selected applicants perform live at the Star Search show, the top three get a performance slot at the NY Burlesque Festival and cash prize. A panel of judges and audience response determines the winners. This event is taking place in Asbury Park, New Jersey--a summertime stomping ground for a young Bunny Bedford. I have close family members within spitting distance!

In the last five to ten years there has been a major revitalization effort in Asbury Park. New businesses and nightlife on the boardwalk, cleaned up more family-friendly beaches with a great boardwalk spray park and beach playground, concert and performance venue rehab, etc. The area is beginning to resemble the once gated neighboring community of Ocean Grove.  Much of the facelift is due to the hard work and determination of the GLBT community and GLBT business owners. This community of people manages to find the "diamonds in the rough" all over this country and works hard to bring  the original charm and character back to the most neglected places. While there are many groups and funding sources that have come into Asbury Park---it all started with the gay community (in my opinion). The Burlesque community has also embraced it as a performance venue---and how could you not? It's got that whole haunted 1930's "it spot" thing going for it, a legendary rock-n-roll town between The Stone Pony and Convention Hall and the whole urban kitschy artsy vibe. You can stand on any street corner and witness the evolution (or devolution) of the town reflected in the architectural landscape. Peaks and valleys of crumbling, burnt out buildings next to high rise condos, boarded up beach shacks and Victorian mansions with gingerbread trim all leading to the sea. I contemplate moving there about every six months!

Anyway, it's funny how things come full circle. Here is the link to a blog post from last November all about my grandmother who raised her kids at the Jersey Shore and still lives there, and how I wanted to tell her about the whole burlesque thing because her heyday was the heyday of burlesque.

Myth, Legend, Grandmother

It would absolutely incredible to participate in this show as a performer and on a personal level. I think the chances of being accepted as one of the ten are slim to none. I will know by the end of July. I plan on attending either way. Maybe I'll invite my Grandmother......

Gender and my Three Year Old

My three year old was admiring my tangerine toenail polish while crouching over his potty seat. Previously, he balked at my "lady hands"--painted fingernails. This morning, though, he was eager to have his toenails painted; insisting that he was, in fact,"... a LADY"!! I made a half-hearted effort to talk him out of it. The whole this is for boys only and this is for girls only  argument really doesn't appeal to me and I don't like to rely on it in my parenting. In truth, I can't think of a single thing, with the exception of urinals perhaps, that is categorically a male only thing.  It was also easier to humor him than to explain why his is, in fact, NOT a lady.

Gender is hot topic--particularly in the realm of parenting these days. I know my values. I know what gender isn't for me. For me it has little to do with toys, clothing, or genitalia for that matter. Maybe I should rephrase and say that I think gender and gender identity are two very different albeit equally important concepts. Growing up I was just as interested in my rock collection, dinosaurs and He-Man as I was sparkly dresses, ballet class and playing house. The culmination of varied experiences and interests as well as early exposure to the GLBT community, I think, has given me  a well-rounded personal gender identity. It is something  I want for my son. 

There are a multitude of educational toys and books geared to make children "well-rounded" in the areas of art, music, foreign language, etc. but I am not sure about gender identity. Sure there are picture books with female doctors, daddies with babies and so on but they don't really address the central points I'm trying to communicate. For me, most of the cartoons and stories with the girls-can-be-whatever-they-want-when-they-grow-up message still leave me with the thinly veiled  ...in spite of your vagina and seemingly weaker constitution subtext.  I don't want to raise him to think we should all be some kind of androgynous robots but at the same time I don't want to focus on physical gender as the primary way to identify ones sense of self. And what you can do in spite of it. I don't know if that makes sense or not.

 For instance, about a month ago he was very interested in mommy's lipstick. He painstakingly applied it all the while checking himself out in the bathroom mirror. Then he took equal time and attention to put lipstick on mommy too. We made a deal--he could wear lipstick in the house but not outside. When we go outside, we can wear chapstick. This lasted little more than a week.

Since then he's moved on to squishing bugs, collecting worms, rough housing with dad and so on---lots of boy stuff. As I write this there is a plastic water bottle full of beetles in my refrigerator.  More and more of a male essence, a typical male persona is coming out in the way he plays with other kids. Now that we're getting through potty training, he has a keen awareness of and interest in his penis. I like to nurture his curiosity. I like to answer his questions as honestly and fully as I think he can handle. I never shame him or embarrass him--about his body, an accident, whatever. That is one thing which really pisses me off--when I see an adult try to shame or embarrass a child--even in a playful way. And yet for all the times I've given myself a pat on the back, there are those few times when I garble the message.

A couple of days ago I was in Wal-Mart looking for a fold up potty seat to keep in the car for in restaurants, etc. When I looked the first time there were a bunch to choose from. When I went back this time to actually purchase one the choices were Tinkerbell or Belle from Beauty and the Beast. So I didn't buy it. What's the big deal? It's a  plastic ring. The week before they had Winnie the Pooh--but on this day only girl seats. Silly, I know. Another time he and I were talking about going pee pee standing up like Daddy and he asked why I didn't do that ---"because I don't have a penis" was my quick response without thinking. Thankfully, it was accepted  without having to explain male and female anatomy to a three year old. I wish I would have just said I like to sit down to pee instead of pointing out the obvious difference in our parts.

Don't get me wrong--I like my parts. I'm diving into an artistic medium that celebrates all things girls--make up, hair, glitter and boobs! Good thing there's boylesque and drag too to round out my son's education in gender identity--when the time is right! In the meantime, we made a compromise on the tangerine toenail polish. He could wear it all day today--to the pool and everything--but tonight it had to come off before bed.

 I know it may seem like a big fuss. I know it may seem like a muddled philosophy but I am a work in progress as a burlesque dancer and as a parent. Raising a son who appreciates nail polish as well as spiders in many ways is just as important to me as raising him to appreciate Matisse and Michelangelo--only I haven't found the Baby Einstein DVD on gender exploration yet. Let me know if you find one!

Swan, Nematode or Peacock

I remember summer vacation from school seeming like it was a whole year unto itself. Magical transformations happened during the summer. Classmates emerged in the fall either a swan--with new boobs or a great haircut, or as nematodes--with acne and headgear.  This fall, friends,  I plan to emerge as a peacock (yeah I know the male peacocks are the fancy ones--that's just the rules of the animal kingdom--just go with the freakin' visual).

I don't know where to go now with the whole peacock thing....I'm not gonna strut around and make that horrible noise.....so let me lead in here by saying that some really cool opportunities have come my way recently. Opportunities that will take a lot of hard work over this summer and into the fall. Ones I couldn't have anticipated but that feel right--which are always the best kind of surprises.

As you know, in my life to the side of this project I am a mom and wife. I also have a very small business--another "side project" of sorts. This small business has the opportunity to expand and grown in ways I didn't think would be possible and yet I can almost reach out and touch it. Mind bending, fantastic and still not completely certain. Once I get a go ahead I will be posting on the progress on a (hopefully) regular basis.

I have applied for the Jim Thorpe Burlesque Boolesque   show coming up in October at the Sherman Theater. I should know by mid July--so keep your fingers crossed for me. I have started to develop my act, at least in my head, so look for more details on that later.

There is another absolutely amazing event happening in late fall that I plan on being a part of. One that will take Mrs. Bunny Bedford somewhere she's only daydreamed about! and.......

my little man is going potty. Like a professional.

While everything seems to be coming into focus, the consequences this new direction may have on my parenting has me a little worried and confused. I hadn't planned on going back to "work" at least for another 2 or 3 years until my son starts school. And of course my goal is to be the supermom with the work/life balance that allows me a fulfilling career and the ability to walk my son to and from school with fresh chocolate chip cookies and lemonade at the ready. This image, this ideal, is ingrained in me. As unrealistic and artificial I know it is--the stuff of Leave it to Beaver and Make Room for Daddy--I still think it's achievable. Even though in the back of my mind I know I'm probably setting my self up for failure. I am not alone in the crux of this dilemma. I know there are tons and tons of parents all around the world struggling with the same thing. For many reasons I like to be really, really hard on myself in this aspect of my life.

 I am going to have to take some time and reroute  my thinking. The possibilities are too bright and bold to toss away in favor of chasing Donna Reed's apron strings. My son may be better off with a peacock than a swan anyway.

Hopefully lots of exciting news to come!

Conversation at Playgroup

I was almost outed at playgroup. A couple weeks back one of the members hosted a Friday night deck party so the moms could get together sans kids and have some fun. Having missed the previous two, I was really excited  to attend this time. It was a small but chatty group. Most of the time I'm so swept up trying to keep eyes on my "Dennis the Menace" during playgroup that I barely make conversation with other moms. I worry about how that comes across--my lack of conversation making--so this deck party was a good opportunity.

The conversation took the usual  bends and twists---kids, husbands, jobs, etc., until, I guess inevitably, the subject of Facebook came up. Now, I have to admit Bunny in everyday life has developed a bit of a Facebook addiction particularly since she got an Iphone. One mom mentioned something I posted regarding pole dancing....my sphincter clenched a little...I'm not gonna lie. I took a deep breath and told them all about my pole dancing, the class I took, that I have a pole at home, muscle groups, competitions and so on. I managed to keep the conversation lighthearted and flowing solely along the lines of me and my pole dancing hobby. That is, until, the same mom mentioned that I also had friends who did burlesque....................gulp.

Now for the sake of clarity--I think it's pretty obvious that I look up to and admire burlesque artists and anyone who supports it and in no way want to give the impression that I would be embarrassed to be personally associated with any artist in any medium----however, I really, really did not want to have THAT conversation at that moment. Not knowing what direction the inquiry would take us all in, I blurted out "I have  friends that do all kinds of things. I have a degree in theater and my friends have done lots of things" and then spilled my wine cooler all over the glass picnic table like a total fucking moron. No one seemed to notice or care so much about that. I quickly changed the subject to my favorite subject---potty training. The night moved on.

I felt really bad about it, though. I still do. A little bit of a Judas almost--dramatic as that sounds (not a Lady Gaga reference--I'm sorry but I don't understand what the fuss is about with that one. I liked her better when she was Madonna). It's not that I want to be one person with one group of people and another person in another group of people. That's not an admirable quality. I'm just not ready. And let's be serious--this is the infancy of this journey. I don't have any street cred. I'm certainly not going to go around lecturing people on my career as an artist.

The unfortunate thing is that I would have liked to have had THAT conversation with that particular mom. She has a career in art and would probably be very receptive. But I just couldn't do it. Not with the other moms. I'm afraid if they judge me negatively than they would also judge my son negatively. That would be a crushing blow. But there are half naked pictures of me on the internet now. So I think at some point it may come up in discussion. I like my half naked pictures on the internet, by the way.

I want to tell my parents. I need to tell my parents. My mom will be fine, she'll just be hurt that I didn't tell her sooner, I think. My dad, that's going to be a hard one. But he lives close so I have to tell him if I plan on doing more locally, which is a goal of mine. I guess since we all live on the internet we're all local in a sense, though.

All I know is that I cannot go backwards, only forward. I'm too happy and have too much invested to let worry stop me. So I'm looking towards the next opportunity--whatever it may be. I wonder how many moms googled "pole dancing" that night when they went home?

Pictures

So I want to talk more about pictures and being in them and making them. I've always appreciated photography but never had a desire to learn to use a camera or be a model. I never remember to bring a camera anywhere. If it wasn't for my husband I don't think we'd have any pictures of our son. In my house Christmas and Easter were on the same role of film.

Growing up I had two real "model" references. When I was four or five my parents acquired a large stack of back issues of National Geographic. I would sit for hours looking at pictures of far away places--travel and archeology interested me a lot. I also looked at a lot of half-clothed aboriginal type women. That made a huge impression on me. They adorned their bodies with feathers and beads, they had tattoos and body piercings. Some had long dusty dreadlocks and others had deep black angular haircuts sculpted with sharp blades of grass. Sinewy, powerful and yet with soft bellies and voluptuous breasts. I saw a hardness in their expressions. I don't know if they where just tired from hard physical labor or perhaps they didn't feel the pressure of "posing" for their picture like in western culture. At any rate, I know I studied them very intently and openly but I don't remember either of my parents saying anything at all to me about them.

Then in my teen years  I had a subscription to Sassy--not Seventeen. Sassy was Seventeen for geeky early 90's grunge chicks--right up my alley. I also every now and then got my hands on a back issue of Harper's Bizarre which was totally awesome because it was so high fashion and artsy and adult and none of the other girls ever even heard of it.

Somewhere between the two references "model" became a static image about selling clothing or make up and less about conveying an idea or an emotion or a human experience. And of course, once my brain decided that that was what is was about, the idea of posing for a picture became intimidating. Something to measure myself against. And as such, it wasn't art to me. It was advertisement. So I never developed a desire, until recently, to explore it as narrative or whatever.

Alllll that being said, I was really excited to have my pictures taken with Tom (check my previous post about him). I was curious to see what I looked like and where I felt I fit, if I did, on some spectrum in my head. Of course there are tons of candid pictures of me and obviously I know what I think I look like in my daily life but this was going to be an opportunity to see myself through a different lens--yeah obvious remark, get over it. As mentioned earlier, I was pleased by the experience and the results.

One of the most satisfying outcomes was that Tom was open to doing some nudes---which wasn't really discussed as part of our plan. Yeah. In retrospect, springing nudity on even the most professional person is probably a bit of a no-no on my part. However when I brought it up pretty late in the day, he was totally cool and obliging. So why? Because I am feeling this kind of intense need to forge my own way through the last bit of post baby body image stuff, because I just wanted to see what it would look like, because I thought it may be a nice thing to do for my husband, because it felt right. Maybe that sounds completely over the top vain or whatever but it comes from a  place of total honesty in myself. I wanted to see if what's reflected in the bathroom mirror is the whole story or if there is a possibility of more.

 I am seated in the photo. The light/shadow make these beautiful shapes and indentations around my collar bones and my shoulders. My skin looks flawless. Editing? Perhaps. I have mom boobs. They don't land on my chest in the same place they did five years ago. Proof positive. Yes, indeed those are my boobs. If you look closely, the way I am sitting causes the bottom of my belly to slightly touch the top of my thighs. Another confirmation. I've got a little pot belly. It's right there in the picture. Interestingly, though, it kinda reminds me of the aboriginal women. And I like that. I feel a kinship with them now.

So I guess I am a "full frontal mom" now. Like, officially. Not something I had expected to happen at the start of this project but something I am none the less proud of. Picture making is a new goal. I want to do stuff with pictures. Like tell stories with them and stuff. Naked or not. I'm not sure that I'm any good at it and I have a lot to learn but that's what this is all about anyway, right? Right.

I am a little blue, though. A little lonesome. Other people have a local scene or are part of a troupe or network of performers. I'm just kind of here. I have to find where and with whom I fit--if I do at all. It would be nice to have someone to bounce ideas off of or make stuff with or something. I don't have a tennis partner. If I am going to move forward at all I need a new goal--like getting into another show or something. Because now I'm antsy. Again, not a popular topic at playgroup.

So I could go on and tell all four of you about my husband's reaction to the whole thing but I'll give your eyes a rest for now. Until next time.

I hope I did this right....

Here is the link to my flickr thing or whatever in case you haven't seen the pictures by Tom Storm. Thanks!

Bunny's Flickr

Oh, and a very Happy Mother's Day to you! Mr. Bunny made a lovely breakfast and then the boys and I took a long walk along a recently restored trail developed from an old railroad line overlooking the river. Then we went out to hibachi with the rest of the family--three generations of mothers represented! It was a good day.

I can only hope to look back at this time in my career as a mom and feel like I didn't screw up him too bad! Not yet anyway. Although we are having a little squabble over him wanting to wear lipstick now. As soon as I mention the whole "lady hands" thing now he wants "lady lips". Nail polish--bad, lipstick--good. I need to buy him some chapstick I suppose.

Until next time....

I forgot!!

I was so busy recounting my day in the last post that I forgot to share this with you!

Whisper De Corvo is a total effing ham sandwich!! I use ham sandwich as a moniker for the type of people I was talking about in my early post--those that come into a room and totally light it up with their energy. I call them ham sandwich because  you could sit and watch them eat a ham sandwich and be totally fascinated. Anyway, Whisper is from Seattle and performed at Jim Thorpe Burlesque Festival. She is an artist, burlesque dancer, gorgeous model and........a mom who blogs!!! yes!

I've only had a chance to read a couple of her posts but plan on sitting down and reading over her story. Please check it out with me!

Being a Burlesque Momma

Lady Hands

Coming off the high of the festival I thought it would be interesting and appropriate to have some pin up photos taken. Apparently the majority of burlesque dancers also do a lot of modeling--pin up, fetish, artistic nudes, etc. Since I wasn't sure what to do next I figured I'd give it a go.

Luckily, local photographer/musician/artist Tom Storm was available and interested in doing a shoot. He and I went to the same high school.  Our greatest joint endeavor previous to picture making was our school production of Grease---he played Danny and I played Rizzo. He was good. Since those days Tom has been creating some really awesome art and has traveled all over the world!  Somewhere along the way I've misplaced my Pink Ladies jacket....

 That was so awkward to write "doing a shoot". How silly. Other than a simple black and white head shot back in college I've never posed for any kind of professional pictures. I feel awkward in most social situations let alone having my photo taken and trying to exude a certain femininity or sexiness--ugh, it makes me want to throw up in my mouth a little just thinking about having to project sexy--like, on purpose, on cue. I'm really bad at that. What was I thinking?!

I had a plan for that morning. Wardrobe was already packed and ready to go. I had worked out my hair and make up several times and had an approximate idea of how long it was going to take me to complete. Hence, getting up an hour earlier to ready in peace. This way I could drop my son off at daycare and go straight to my session with no complications. The only complication I managed to overlook was what would happen if my three year old decided to wake up an hour early. Which he did. And also what would happen if he woke up an hour early and decided to spend his hour directly under my feet trying to eat hair mousse, put my bobby pins in the toilet and take everything out of my makeup case. Which he did. I had a bit of a meltdown and sent him to his room to play. Which resulted in him having a meltdown.

I also have a phobia about being late for things--allegrophobia, apparently. Ten minutes early is on time for me and anything less than that stresses me out. The unexpected morning chaos was about to make me late--by my own definition--and there would be no way I would ever be able to take a decent picture.  I literally tossed my little boy into daycare, pointed at my head and made a circular motion, "I have a thing today", is what I blurted out to his teacher who was no doubt confused since most of the time I show up in sweat pants and a pony tail. Luckily I made it on time. Five minutes early. Acceptable.

Fortunately, Tom is a sweetheart and one of the nicest people in the world. I came in like a whirlwind and muttered something about having a three year old assistant and being flustered and my hair was bumpy or something like that. Considering the way the day started, I'm very happy with how the pictures turned out. And I found out that I like being in pictures, making pictures, as an experiment or art project or what have you but I'll get more into that in a later post.

I managed to get home in time to take the dog for a quick walk and throw on my T and sweatpants before picking my son up from daycare. I figured I owed an apology or explanation at least for the morning but decided that "I have a thing today" was all that needed to be said. While buckling the car seat, he grabbed my hand and with big blue eyes said "Mommy, you have lady hands. You have hands like the other ladies" referring to my bright red fingernails. I never wear nail polish--ever. How or when my son became aware of "lady hands" I'm not sure; however, after the initial discovery his eyes welled up with tears "Mommy, I don't like those lady hands. Take them off they frustrate me.. I just like plain". I couldn't get him to articulate why he was so put off by it and maybe he didn't know why either. It's what I will remember most about the entire day.

The photos in this post are two of the pictures Tom created and are two of my favorites. I have a few of them on my Facebook page but I think I'm going to try my hand at creating a Flickr account. I have yet to delve much into the world of Flickr other than to snoop at pictures people post of their tattoos--a late night hobby of mine.

Anyhow, I have a lot in my mind that I would like to write here if I can just do a better job of organizing my head and my time. Thank you for reading, as always I appreciate the support.

A Recap, of sorts...and thinking forward

Ok. I've got to pick a place to start......where to start......ummm.....ok

Have you ever been in a social situation when someone walks into the room and fills the space with their presence? You can't quite put your finger on what it is about them----it's not obvious good looks, overwhelming vocabulary or bubbly personality per se. There's an intangible something, like life has put a permanent spotlight on this one person so even the smallest of things like licking a postage stamp or leafing through a magazine are totally captivating . I'm not one of those people. However, most everyone at the Jim Thorpe Burlesque Festival was/is.

So imagine getting swept up in that energy but also being at the center of it looking out and you'll get a sense of my weekend. Does that make any sense? Maybe not. Analogy? Ok. Let's say you get tickets for a great band and they ask you to come up on stage and play guitar with them. After the show everybody assumes you must be in a band too and thinks they should treat you as such---so you have to correct them on that. Cause you're not in a band. You're like a housewife, or something................

My hard work and neurosis paid off. I was happy with my performance on both Friday and Saturday night and received  really nice feedback from other performers and audience members. And what an audience---so fun and supportive of all the dancers! You just couldn't ask for anything more. If you missed it, you REALLY missed it. How lucky to have performers like Red Hot Annie, Jacqueline Hyde, Crystal Corset Winner Fannie Spankings and First Runner Up Wham Bam Pam come perform in our little corner of the world!

Not to mention all the vendors at the Burlesque Bazaar! Just in case you didn't know, there is a legion of artists creating one of a kind jewelry, fascinators and vintage inspired clothing and accessories at comparable or lower prices than that crap we've been buying from Hot Topic and Forever 21 for the last few years. They love what they do, they love and support Burlesque and work very hard traveling the country supporting shows and selling their wares.

But I'm still wiping my three year old's bum! Glitter and feathers are fun but dishes and laundry are forever. So where to go from here? There's still so much to learn and explore. The fact that I'm a wife and mother trying to balance family with personal goals, art with obligations, pasties with playgroup--if you will, in no way makes me unique. It's still a journey worth taking and talking about.

So I'm going to see where it leads me.

Beautiful Polesque Performance

A big congrats to Miss Bianca Dupree for getting Second Runner Up at the Big Reveal--Saturday night's competition at the Jim Thorpe Burlesque Festival. I was able to see her performance and it was awesome!

Check out her post.

Jim Thorpe Burlesque Festival

I am still reeling from last weekend. I'm not really ready to put it into words yet. I want to savor it just a little longer. I will say, though, a very heartfelt thank you to everyone who attended the festival. Your excitement was insurmountable. Thank you to everyone for your compliments and well wishes. They mean more than you know.

I need some more time to process....so...if you haven't already read it, here's a great article by The Weekender

Thank you.

Tickets on Sale Now!!!!!! Fabulous Weekend Trip without the traffic!

It's true! You can purchase your tickets online at www.jimthorpeburlesque.org  for the "Fundraiser Gala" and "Big Reveal" Burlesque shows. You can also learn all about the different vendors that will be at the Burlesque Bazzar and AND check out the class schedule.........that's right, I said class schedule.

We're talking everything from belly dancing to retro hairstyling to creating headpieces to hoop dancing---HOOP DANCING!!!! All affordably priced and taught by artists active in the burlesque world. Seriously? In the coal region? Seriously. Come join me in Jim Thorpe April 1st to the 3rd!
This is just a list of a FEW things you could do with your time literally within 10 minutes or less of eachother:

1. Experience the art of Burlesque the way it was meant to be seen-- in a historic theater built in 1881 that hosted legends of the Vaudeville circuit AND a whole chapter in the history of Mrs. Bunny Bedford. This year's festival boasts an extremely talented line up of artists from all over the country.

2. Visit one of the multitude of art galleries within walking distance of eachother.

3. Go mountain biking, hike trails, try white water rafting or play paintball.

4. Buy yourself or your lady a lovely hand-crafted hair accessory, set of pasties, vintage apron, ect. at the Burlesque Bazzar.

5. Find out how delicious good home made haluski or halpuki is OR treat yourself to a fine dining experience.

6. Feeling nerdy? I always do.There are many walking tours, home tours, museums and information centers that will acquaint you with the area's rich history in mining, railroading, Native American culture and the overall importance of the area in America's industrial development.

7. Get a pin-up portrait taken as a gift to yourself or that special someone.

8. Take a train ride! It amazes me that many people have never had the opportunity to ride on a steam engine train.

9. Let out your inner ecdysiast! Try a class at the Burlesque Bazzar without actually having to get on stage!

10. Enjoy an espresso, latte, herbal tea or plain old cup of joe at Strange Brew--there may even be some live local music!

11. Meet a ghost in one of the Victorian Bed & Breakfast's within walking distance of many things on this list!

12. Root for the ladies competing for the Crystal Corset at Saturday night's "Big Reveal" show.

13. Give me a hug! I'd love to see you!

I'm going to leave the list at 13 because that has always been a lucky number for me! That was just a list I made off the top of my head so go online and check out even more stuff to do in the area. Trust me, you  could use a weekend away, right? Hope you can come!

Bianca DuPreé

So a few months backs, when I was seriously toying with the whole burlesque idea, I dragged my husband to the Jim Thorpe "Boolesque" show---Halloween themed burlesque acts. Campy, spooky, sexy ladies performing in an old Victorian town, in a vaudeville theater, on Halloween weekend. It was a good time to say the least.

I can't say for certain but I'm pretty sure that I was among the few attending not only for entertainment but for research purposes. I decided right then and there that my goal was to make it into the spring show. When I casually passed the idea on to my husband in the car that night---yeah, I think maybe I could do that. yeah, I think I'm gonna do that---I'm also pretty certain he didn't take me very seriously and yet here I am.

One of the featured acts that night was Miss Bianca DuPreé--a burlesque/pole artist out of Baltimore, MD. I knew what pole dancing was (or at least I thought) and I knew what burlesque dancing was (or at least I thought) but this was the first time I saw them combined. The resulting art I found reminiscent of the circus tight rope walker meets Vargas girl meets dance hall queen. Watching her felt like watching a circus performer or a magicians assistant. You know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when there is potential for danger? Could she fall? Is she really dangling by one arm? You see the act unfold before your eyes and yet you're not sure of what you're seeing. A woman can seriously shimmy up a pole and suspend her body like a like a lotus hovering on the tension of a pond.

She danced, and teased, and tasseled as well! She removed clothing way up there on the pole! It was refreshing. Different. Not too heavy handed on the sport end--I've learned that pole sport/fitness is different from polesque, which is different from club dancing. Quite an education I'm getting. There are also apparent differences of opinion between the "sects", if you will, on the prowess/validity of each "sect" respectively. Don't me wrong though, I couldn't help but think as she reached out into space high above the audiences' head--that is a strong ass woman, those thighs could crush cinder blocks! 

Shortly after "Boolesque" I found the strip tease class I wanted to take---which ended up becoming a private pole dancing class--not my original intention. Had I not seen Bianca perform I would not have been interested in learning to pole dance because I would have not made the connection between the two styles of performance. And if I hadn't seen it executed so well, I really wouldn't think they would work as a form unto itself. It does! And in my beginners opinion, those who feel that pole dancing does not have a place in burlesque have not had the opportunity to see is done well.

I get to go from spectator to performer/student--and I still consider myself very much a student. It's an amazing opportunity. I am so excited to learn. I am so excited to perform. I just don't know what else to say about it.

I will not be pole dancing in the spring show but Bianca DuPreé will be. She also has a blog. Check it out!

I almost forgot!

I have a facebook page now. search Bunny Bedford. Thanks.

Jim Thorpe Burlesque, Sponsored by Dragontown Corsets

Jim Thorpe Burlesque, Sponsored by Dragontown Corsets

I am very proud to announce that Mrs. Bunny Bedford did indeed get accepted into the festival in both the showcase and competition performances!!!!! My hard work has paid off.

I'm tickled pink. Truly. It's better than Christmas. Not only do I have the opportunity to perform but the opportunity to LEARN. and share! and laugh!

I think I'm most excited to spend some time with other like-minded women who share a passion for this type of art and who are essentially their own businesses. I'm interested to know how they are balancing that with their personal lives and all the other things they do.

It will be nice to have some other living, breathing ladies around who are into it. I feel like my support system is so far from my reach most of the time. Believe it or not, burlesque dancing doesn't come up in conversation at playgroup very much. And costuming!! people who sew things with glitter and lace and stuff on it! yes!

off to practice, practice, practice. Thank you again so much my little devoted readership. I am so glad to share this experience with you.

I'll be in touch. I have to fill you in on what's been going on in potty land!

Mission Accomplished?

I would love to say that everything went off without a hitch but that would be less than truthful. I am referring, in fact, to my first public pole dancing performance which took place this past Thursday evening.

Tucked in, made up, stretched out, KFC snacker for fuel--oh yes, only the best in performance enhancing supplements for Bunny. Side note: KFC you are fucking cheap. Yes, I understand that my snacker was a mere $1.19 but when has a chicken nugget inside a dinner roll constituted a sandwich? Especially with competition like the McDouble (which Bunny consumed as a post pole dancing celebratory meal) coming in at a dollar or the Wendy's sour cream and chive baked potato for that matter. And one chicken nugget does not even count as an appetizer. Everyone knows that six is the minimum number of chicken nuggets that should be present at any one sitting--you think a four piece will do it only to kick yourself when you don't have the last two to finish off the little packets of sauce. Six chicken nuggets =snack  one tampon-sized "snacker" = no more KFC for Bunny. Anyway....

There are six of us total to dance and only one other girl is a student like me. The youngest of us is 19 and the oldest is a very graceful, powerful, late forty something. I'm told to dance first (least experienced) which is fine with me, I would much rather go first. The ladies and I go about our business of stretching, dressing, primping and very friendly chit chat. Each is so kind and supportive--they really made it a lovely time for me. It has been my experience that it only takes one slightly catty female to ruin the entire vibe of a room. Women have an impeccable knack for dragging others into their bad day. Of many of the backstage experiences I have had, this one was so chill and so comfortable-- for lack of a more exciting word.

So it's time to dance. The crowd is a little thin--well, to be accurate a lot thin. Apparently there was a concert at a bigger local venue that sucked up much of our crowd. An audience is an audience and being that this is a benefit for a local non-profit everyone wants the show to go well. I get up there, I'm ready...music..and skip in the cd...music stops...music starts...skips ...music stops...music starts...skips--you get the idea. As the DJ frantically and unsuccessfully keeps trying to load and play the fucked up cd (not one I provided, mind you). Note to self: make sure you bring an extra copy of your music next time to help out a frazzled  DJ. People are giving me the same look as when they're watching the dryer cycle at the laundromat so I decide to take a seat until it's sorted out.

I plop down in the chair next to my husband who's giving me a look that says where's the hidden camera? "Of all the things that could have gone wrong," I said a little deflated "this is not what I anticipated." Resting my chin on my hand I looked up to a young photographer with a giant camera asking for a picture. I obliged. Why not? She handed me a business card from a local weekend publication and disappeared. If I find the picture on line I will be sure to post it . I am curious to see my expression..and ya know, if my cleavage looked good.

After a few desperate minutes of confusion, Maria (my teacher and host of the event) pops up to the DJ stand with her laptop and the evening commences. I danced well--considering by the time I got through the actual dance everyone had already had enough of hearing my song! I didn't mess up. I felt good. I completed my mission--to pole dance in public. Can I ask for more than that? Probably not.

The rest of the dancers were absolutely amazing. Their skill, flexibility, strength and confidence has inspired me to go further with my pole dancing for sure. It was beautiful to watch. It may not have been a cabaret in New York or a competition in Philly but it was a cool experience. There were a couple of young ladies in the audience who gave me a little nod after I finished dancing. At first, I wasn't quite sure what to think. I wasn't wearing my glasses and thought maybe they knew me and I didn't recognize them. When their names were drawn as winners of a free pole class (they apparently put all their drawing tickets in that bag) I realized they were enthusiastic newbies such as myself and I interpreted their silent kudos as the if you can do it, I can do it nod of approval. That was just as rewarding as not falling on my ass! Maybe more so.

I don't quite understand why this art form is not more mainstream. If you like gymnastics or figure skating or ballet  you will love this. Trust me. Whatever notions that are floating around in America's collective mind on this topic are wrong. Feminist is not a word I've ever used to describe myself but I do feel I'm an intelligent, forward thinking, pro woman type of gal. In all honesty, I'm really fucking sick and tired of other women making derogatory comments or thinly veiled judgments about exotic dancing in all or any of its forms--especially in the name of "feminism". In my opinion, exotic dance showcases the beauty and power of the female body. The dancer is in control of what is revealed and how the body is used and is also being paid accordingly. How is this exploitive? Is this really negatively effecting womankind?

Women are knowingly or unknowingly objectified throughout their lives--that is not going change at least not at  it's most basic human level. It's just not. So why not take charge of it and make something beautiful and provocative? Are male body builders being exploited or objectified? No one is boo hooing them.

I wonder how much of this negative sentiment is truly about the objectification of women and how much of it really has to do with our society's fear of our own bodies.

These were just the thoughts running through my head as I blasted back my McDouble on the car ride home.

Anyway, I had a great time. Now as far as the burlesque festival--I will find out about that Tuesday, I believe. Little Bunny is not feeling very positive about that one. I really want to do it. It would be a wonderful opportunity but I wouldn't be at all surprised if they passed me up. At least for the time being. I'll let you know how it turns out.

Tonight is the Night!!!!!!

Once again I have to apologize for not writing more frequently over the last couple of weeks, thanks for understanding.

I just finished practicing my pole dance for tonight's showcase/fundraiser. Of course, it was a disaster. A common mistake of being over rehearsed and trying to throw in new stuff which just results in chaos. I have also been having a mental block on one of my spins that starts from the left, after a couple of times I get it but there isn't going to be any "do overs" this evening.

And then there's the whole schmuck factor of me trying to look and act like I know what I'm doing in an environment I've never been a part of before. Mr. Bunny Bedford is coming along for support and a night out. Some night out. He is a brave man but I know he is very nervous for me. What if I fall? What if I get laughed at? What if one of his friends from high school randomly shows up and then posts unflattering pictures of me on facebook, what if, what if, what if. I can't blame him. I have the same concerns but my excitement and hard work is winning over.

My three year old has been having fun learning to slide down Mommy's fireman pole. Oh, boy. After pole dancing my next conquest is potty training. So if anyone out there has any brilliant suggestions, I'm all bunny ears.

Anyway, I'm off to pick an outfit--what does one wear to such a function (other than my costume, of course)?And I've been holding off on shaving my legs--that'll take a while, then I have to find my craft adhesive so I can spray my boobs into the top of my costume before we leave the house--I want to avoid any wardrobe malfunctions, figure out what chicken nugget combo to serve for dinner tonight and the obligatory vacuuming and laundry duty.

It has the makings of a very full day. Wish me luck! Send me good vibes! I will report back to you soon.

a quick hello from bunny

Hi All! Sorry I've been MIA for a couple weeks but there are so many new and exciting things going on right now and I just haven't had the chance to sit down and update you--my apologies.

Since I've spoken to you last I had a couple of epic mommy meltdowns--the stuff of legend, started a small business and had a date night with my husband which was about a month and a half overdue. The creative juices are flowing, for sure, and I've joined the rest of the 21st Century by purchasing an I Phone. Don't roll your eyes so hard, yes it's amazing and my level of geekdom has been raised a full bracket. Life is good. It's been a ton of hard work, but it's good.

AAAANNNDDDD---I'm supposed to pole dance in an upcoming showcase on February 10th. Details to come.

Will drop in again before the end of the week and give you the skinny on it all. Thanks for checking in with me! Bunny

TED Curator Chris Anderson on Crowd Accelerated Innovation | Magazine

TED Curator Chris Anderson on Crowd Accelerated Innovation | Magazine

I've been crazy busy with some other projects but thought this was a really cool article about how internet video is changing the way we learn, grow and connect. I only recently began using YouTube to research pole, burlesque, costuming, etc. It has been very informative and empowering. I respect they way people are willing to put themselves out there and share whatever stage of a process they're in.

From an artistic perspective I think it's refreshing that artists of all skill levels--even masters of their crafts--are willing to share advice and technique over such a vast expanse.

More to come soon!

Another late night

I'm starving. It's late. Since quitting smoking I have been voraciously hungry. I knew this would happen. I cut my toenails too short the other day--all of them. How does that happen? Really? All of them? Really. 

There are two massive windows facing the front of my house with a lovely view of the  elementary school, park and main street below. It's like looking into a snowglobe of my entire town. I refuse to put curtains on them even though I am sure dogwalkers and pot smoking teenagers in the park can glance up at my every move. And why not? Sometimes I feel like a fairy queen smiling down from my tower at all the hustle and bustle in the village below. Why have windows to keep them covered up?  They're practically store front sized. When we had new ones put in this year, the men from the window company said that none of the windows in our house are standard size and some of the biggest windows they'd ever seen. 

I know it's late because when I gaze out I see my reflection illuminated in the soft glow of the computer screen gazing back at me. The lamp posts in the park are all dark. That means it's really late. The only thing that would make it flawless would be some lightly falling snow, but we've had enough of that. 

It's been a long but productive week. I bit the bullet and submitted my application and video for the spring burlesque show. The lighting in the video is horrible and until recently, when my husband gave me a quick lesson, I barely knew how to turn the video camera on. Overall, I'm happy with the results. I feel like I'm on to something---in/with myself.

I also got to spend some quality time with my grandmother last weekend. She was reminiscing about her life right after highschool. She was working as a bookkeeper at the telephone company where she met my grandfather. She enjoyed her job; however, she had to leave because the company had a policy not to employ married women. It was during the Depression era and apparently companies wanted to avoid paying two salaries per household--they wanted to keep men working. So she met my grandfather at the job and was basically let go when she decided to marry him. How about that? She wanted to go back to work but, according to her, my grandfather felt her place was in the home with the children. Once the children were all in school he rolled his eyes at the idea of her getting a job--even though most of her friends were employed. She was sad and resentful talking about it. I asked if she felt that way at the time or if age had given her a different perspective. I knew the answer without her having to say it. 

She wears a wig now, like on special occasions. It's baffling. She has a full head of hair and even has most of her natural brown color. It's senior citizen peer pressure! All her friends are doing it! She decided not to wear it to her exercise class one day and her friends made comments about it. Some friends! I'd be goddamned to be 85, have a full head of hair and sweat my face off under a synthetic hood at exercise class. They're just jealous. I don't get it but I don't say anything. It seems to give her some sense of security. She can wear a dead raccoon on her head for all I care as long as she keeps telling me everything she remembers--again and again.

Anyway, late night QVC and a pan of brownies are calling my name. Keep your fingers crossed that my application is well received and I make it into the show. Otherwise, I'm going on a summer tour of Lane Bryant promotional events and Howard Johnson's front lobbies. Are there any HOJO's left?

Insomnia has made me an Intellectual. At least that's my opinion.

Hello again. I hope you had a wonderful holiday season and are embracing the new year! If you've been following along, then you're aware of my rantings on the "New Year's Funk".  I'm over it--in case you were concerned. I'm too busy and enthusiastic to mentally reenact the more unpleasant moments of the previous year. And if you've been following along, I also want to mention that today marks my thirteenth(holy shit, thirteenth?!) day without a cigarette! Wow. I feel ok, good even; although, I am suffering from insomnia--an apparent side effect of Chantix. Hey, I'll take that over suicidal thoughts, changes in mood or behavior or, ya know, my face swelling up like a blowfish or something ridiculous like that.

I've had insomnia off and from the time we brought our son home. He's never been a good sleeper. We tried laying him in different positions, elevating the crib mattress, etc., etc. It didn't help that the door to his nursery was four feet away from my side of the bed, either. For the first year or so, he was in and out of our bed constantly just so I could get some sleep. All these parenting websites and books try to scare the crap out of people who put their babies in bed with them--myself included. Recently, I attended a conference (for something totally non-burlesque related)  and was intrigued to learn about research that shows a much lower incident of SIDS in areas of the world where it is culturally acceptable to co-sleep. The reason being that the infant tunes into the breathing pattern of his or her parents and therefore, the research suggests, the infant brain is less likely to take too long of a pause and "forget" to breathe again. It has to do with a process called audiation. Audiation is basically the brain's ability to process and remember sounds and sound patterns even when the sound is not present in the environment. For instance, if I say "Happy Birthday to You" most people can audiate that song very clearly in their heads without hearing it around them. This is a process that begins shortly after birth.  I wish there had been a website explaining it to me about three years ago and then maybe I wouldn't be up all night typing away on the computer.... Even though he's out of the crib and in a "big boy" room I can still here him tossing and turning and talking in his sleep across the hall from me.

Many times I find that my creative thinking doesn't fully kick in until I'm ready to try to go to sleep. My mind starts creating all these really cool "what if" scenarios. Ideas for blogs, sewing projects, burlesque routines, funny Gilda Radner inspired one woman shows with picture slides. I tried keeping a notebook (I keep a notebook for everything--call me Rain Man) on the bedside table in an effort to jot things down and revisit them in the morning. It doesn't work. If I'm awake, that's it. I often reply to emails between midnight and four a.m. for this reason.

I was lying awake in bed the other night thinking that, unless you're some kind of a genius., I don't believe anyone is really good at anything until they turn thirty. Probably because I am thirty--which we've discussed. Think about it, though. Your twenties are a great time for trial and error in all aspects of you're life. Some years in my twenties where a total wash as far as creativity or productivity in general--but they were fun and memorable! Once you turn thirty and have a little life experience behind you --then, THEN you get good at stuff. Nobody has a good chicken recipe until they turn thirty. I'm sorry, you may think you could cook in your twenties and maybe you did but I am willing to bet you either over or undercooked your chicken--am I right? A woman doesn't know how to pick a good pair of jeans or wear a dress correctly until they turn thirty. Trust me, take a look at some old photos of you at a club or a wedding or semi-formal whatever. You may have been ten pounds thinner but I guarantee whatever you have on does not fit you correctly--nor whatever any of your friends were wearing at the time either. Reread your journals and secret poetry from five or ten years ago and I bet you'll have a good laugh. Then go into your sent emails and reread the intelligent, tactful messages you sent to your boss last month, or your aunt, or long lost friend who you want to politely keep at arm's length away--those are the real masterpieces.

In the last couple of years I've read articles in major publications about the new "quarter life crisis". This is, apparently, when people in their late twenties and early thirties start working in careers they then realize they hate. They freaked out because they haven't started a family. Or they did start a family with the wrong person and now their lives are in shambles and they're gonna have to go back to college and read Eat, Pray, Love and move in with their parents. They are in crisis. NO! They didn't turn thirty yet and realize that they weren't so good at stuff before. People, particularly women, I observe, seem to think of thirty as the time they have to rebuild the broken dreams of their twenties and think the deck stacked against them. It's a time to move on and forget about the past. No! You sucked at what you were doing because you didn't have any perspective. You're not sexy or good in the bedroom or witty or have taste in much of anything in your twenties. I'm sorry, but it's true. Instead of grabbing you by the shoulders and giving you this vital information, others around you just let it run it's course like a head cold. They knew eventually it would clear up, you would turn thirty and join the rest of the world. It wouldn't help if someone told you at that point anyway because you're kinda of cursed to unknowingly fuck it up.

So I would like to officially get rid of the term "quarter life crisis". There is no crisis. If you find yourself staring down the barrel of thirty and life has not turned out the way you expected, you should be a little relieved because now you have the opportunity to figure out what the hell you're good at anyway. I have to be honest, that other shit that you were doing--the universe was humoring you. Trust me. And me as well for that matter. I don't care if you're a mature twenty-eight. It doesn't work that way. Burlesque, chicken, sex, it doesn't matter. Twenty-four year olds go nothing on this Bunny.

I'm just glad that Chantix has allowed me enough time awake the figure this sutff out and share it with you. If you're thirty you already know this and if you're not, you're welcome.

In other news, I spent the better part of the afternoon video taping myself pole dance.....talk about figuring out what you're good at and what you're not. Overall, I was pleasantly surprised by my progress. Looking down at the blisters and missing skin on my hand is definite validation. Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you look at things, studying the video not only clued me in to my dancing but also my body shape. Here I have spent all this time focusing on my mommy paunch belly only to discover that my hips and thighs are much more robust. I live in this body, I see myself in the bathroom mirror everyday, dress this body, dance, and yet until removed from it enough to view as somewhat objectively, I really didn't know what it looked like. It's strange. Not a bad thing, just strange.

I'm getting back to viewing and using the body as an instrument. Forget sexy, funny, dirty and any of other adjectives for a moment. Part of the power, I feel, of burlesque, pole dance, stripping--whatever--is the opportunity to use the body to connect with a group of strangers and illicit a reaction. As well as the opportunity for the audience to view the body without feeling ashamed. That, in the simplest terms, is why I think it's art. I think. Maybe it's the Chantix talking. The only real opportunities we get to view and use the body in any similar way is mostly through sports. So by my own definition, is basektball an art? For me, no. Sports are based in competition and proving who is best. When too many rules and expectations are put on art it becomes less that it could be, in my opinion. You should make what feels right--not what will be judged favorably. Hence, you will be judged favorably because yours is better than someone else's effort. I always wonder how an audience will react to the same piece of art in a competition circumstance versus another venue. Different forums create different experiences, for sure.

Although, people like to watch competitions--it fills seats. From a business perspective, it makes sense for an artist as well. A much appreciated prize or compensation and a chance at more exposure are positive things. People like titles too, it gives you some street cred. I guess. Part of my point is that I wish viewers would take some of this into account when they form their opinions about exotic dancing, etc. Rather than making it into a Lifetime TV Movie or comment on the moral decline of our society why not embrace the opportunity to see a fine ass woman use and celebrate her body?

See, I've figured this all out because I'm thirty. Anyway, I have videos to make and deadlines to keep, and miles to go before I sleep and miles to go before I sleep.